Life of Cooper and Lilly

Who's In Control Here?

2011-03-21T11:49:00.003+01:00

Two Weeks in the Life of a 10 Month Old

2011-03-21T11:33:00.002+01:00

So we ran into a little issue with Peter's green card, and I'll spare you the long drawn out details by simply saying that Peter is in Augusta. For two weeks. With my family. Without me.

And I am here in Isen, alone with these two little punks plus Kayla. It is the time of year when the farmers are all out spraying cow poop all over the fields. Thick, brown, incredibly foul smelling manure. Clearly I am not bitter at all.

On the bright side, it has given a me clear perspective of how incredible the life of a 10 month old is. In the time that Peter has been gone this is what Lilly has learned:

1. Waving
2. Nearly crawling and definitely shimmying herself across the floor
3. Holding her own bottle
4. Drinking from a sippy cup
5. Eating a whole banana on her own
6. Clapping
7. Trying to pull up

These two weeks have been lonely, but certainly not boring. And since Cooper wakes up every morning between 5 and 5:30 (actually today it was 4:45), I am certainly looking forward to having Peter back home. So, hurry up honey and can you bring me a Zaxby's chicken finger plate? Extra texas toast, no slaw. Thanks!

Cooper's First Bike!

2011-03-21T11:05:00.004+01:00

You know that your baby is no longer a baby when it is time for the first big boy bike. Cooper was in love the moment he first laid eyes on his new bike.

When you are looking through the eyes of a little boy, it is amazing how many things there are to remember all at the same time. I find myself continuously yelling out reminders. Things like "watch where you're going!", and "pedal with your feet", and "look where you're going", and "turn", and "look up!", and "brake, brake, BRAKE!!!". That last one still needs a lot of work.

Now chasing after Cooper has taken on a whole new dimension!

Thanks Aunt Tina, Opa, and Oma for this wonderful birthday present!

Here is Cooper's first moments on his new bike. Trying it on for size . . .

It didn't take long at all to go from this . . .

and this . . .

to this . . .

Opa looks proud of his grandson.

And we are proud of our big boy. We love you, Coopi!

Yet Another Birthday Celebration . . .

2011-03-21T10:48:00.004+01:00

It seems that turning 4 in our family is such a big deal that one needs not one, not two, but three birthday parties. Cooper is one lucky and loved little boy.

Of course you can't turn 4 without celebrating with Oma, Opa, Aunt Tina, and great Granny. We had a great day together. Here are the pics.

Peek-A-Boo!

2011-03-21T10:28:00.003+01:00

This

Could

On

All

Day

Long!

My Superhero

2011-03-21T10:23:00.003+01:00

I bought this costume for Cooper's birthday and also for Fasching (Carnival). He's been a little obsessed about it. We have to put on "Siperman" almost every afternoon. There's something about the muscles that makes Cooper a happy boy. And when you look at this happy boy, who could possibly argue with that.

10 month old Girl

2011-03-02T21:34:00.005+01:00

This beautiful girl is 10 months old.

I can't quite figure out how 10 months of our lives have flown by so fast. We have our pictures from the last year loaded onto our TV and they shuffle through like one of those digital photo frames. All of those moments that brought smiles, fear, hugs, tears, laughter, and every possible emotion in between. They flash across the screen, and though I can vividly remember every detail of every moment, it still is hard to believe that we went through it all. How did we get from pleading with God to let us hold our baby girl again to here?

Lilly is doing amazing. We started her on baby food a little late because we were a little skeptical of how all that newly repaired plumbing would work. She savored the first bite and has loved every morsel that has passed her lips since. This girl has a relationship with food that her mother knows only too well. Lilly is a meat and potatoes and rice girl, and the chunkier the better. She likes the fruit and sweet stuff too, but she's all about the hearty stuff. I actually have to cut her off at each meal because I don't think she would ever get to the point that she wouldn't want anymore. And girlfriend has some ham hocks to show for it!

She sits and plays with toys most of the day. She has finally in the last couple of weeks learned to go from sitting onto her tummy and now she is starting to shimmy her way around on her tummy a bit. She has two teeth on the bottom and the top two are just starting to pop through. She babbles a lot and makes the most perfect baby noises. Music to our ears. She is very focused on people and constantly watches whoever is in the room. She adores Cooper and Kayla and practically vibrates with excitement when either one of them pay attention to her. And just a couple days ago she learned to wave and clap.

What was once a constantly crying baby who was so hard to keep comfortable has now turned into a blissfully sweet spirit. Always happy, always smiling, and she often serves as a calm respite for me when things get crazy around here.

She is a mommy's girl and although she loves her daddy she is often looking for me when I am not in her sight.

What a difference the last few months have made. All that drama is just a fading memory and we are moving forward with a healthy baby girl. I can't wait until everyone in the US gets the chance to meet our beautiful little miracle. I have no doubt you will be completely charmed by this amazing girl.

Sick Days

2011-02-17T16:04:00.004+01:00

We've been hit. The Claus kids have had the stomach virus this week. That is just one of the many perks of Kindergarten.

Lilly was the first to be affected, and then Cooper got the bug. I remember how comforting it used to be to hunker down in my parents big bed when I was sick. But I don't recall having these emergency supplies on hand:

The "Tockie Tockie", as Cooper calls it, is apparently to call for back-up. We certainly needed some later the next day. And the tamborine? I guess it is in case one should feel the need to break out into a little ditty.

I knew that we were in the clear when I found Spiderman in my shower. Take a look at those pecs!

This little lady is feeling much better. Of course, a stomach bug is nothing for her.

Looking forward to a normal, healthy week next week.

The Valentine's Extravaganza

2011-02-14T23:07:00.004+01:00

Well, I have really outdone myself. I have done some romantic things in the past for my sweet husband, and let me tell you, I really pulled out all the stops this year.

It took a lot of planning. And creatitivity.

I made tacos.

I know. Pretty romantic, right? Peter is a lucky man. I am thinking of having one of these made for him, because we are going to want to remember this special time.

Nothing says "I Love You" quite like a taco.

Cooper is 4!!!

2011-02-10T19:35:00.007+01:00

Today is a special day, and I can't think of a better reason to get started back on the blog than to celebrate this day and tell someone special to me how special they really are.

See this adorable creature below? That's my favorite little guy. And today my favorite little guy is a big 4-year-old.

To my beautiful, beautiful boy,

4 years ago today, you entered into this world as just a tiny little pink wrinkled thing. I loved you from the first second, and my heart continues to grow with each new day with you. You make every day an adventure. We start every morning when you wake up between 5:30 and 6, and no matter how sleepy I am I can't help but smile as soon as I hear your feet pounding down the stairs to mine and your Daddy's room. Those first minutes of our day with you snuggled between us are precious. I never know what kind of crazy stunt you will pull on any given day or how you will make me laugh.

Now that you are starting to figure out how to communicate more, you surprise me every single day with all the things that I never knew you knew. You are such a smart little boy! I know that you have to work so hard to learn all the things that come so easily to lots of other kids, and I hope you know how proud your Daddy and I are of you.

You have such a sweet soul. I love how you are always smiling and content. I love how you like to make Lilly laugh and how you like to share your toys with her. I love that you are a big snuggle bug and you like to give kisses. Your best friends are always the prettiest girls because you are such a handsome and funny little guy.

I had no idea what being a mom would be like, but you arrived to teach me the most important lessons I will ever learn. From you I have learned how to put someone else's needs before mine. I have learned patience, lots and lots of patience. I have learned that the simple things are the most fun. I have learned to eat my vegetables. I have learned compassion. I have learned that there is so much more to people than what you initially see and everyone has their own story. I have learned what hard work is. I have learned how to get all kinds of stains out of clothes. I have learned how to manage my time more wisely. I have learned how to cook well. I have learned that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was and I can love deeper than I ever thought possible.

You are an amazing and beautiful boy. I love everything about you.

Happy Birthday, Cooper.

Love,

Your Mommy

Lilly Update

2010-08-27T07:05:00.000+02:00

Lilly continues to do well and is making her slow way to recovery. She is a kind of two steps forward, one step back kind of girl.

Thursday Lilly started getting a little bit larger amounts of milk and tea mixed. The the doc told the nurse to up the amount and go with pure breast milk. That afternoon she started to get some painful gas and as time went on drank only a small amount. I emptied her colostomy bag Thursday early evening and by yesterday morning there was still hardly any contents and what there was was very dark and thick (I am sure you all enjoy descriptions of the contents of my kid's poop bag). She was also having tremendous tummy ache. So I brought this to the attention of her nurses and doctor and they then flushed her intestines out. Out came all the goodies and the girl has been farting loudly ever since!

She also got her epidural removed and her urinary cathether out today as well as her NG tube. What a difference 3 fewer "cables" makes! She also got a sponge bath today. After that she was much more comfortable, very smiley and tired.

However, she also started vomitting again and had zero appetite. She would not drink anything from 9 this morning till 4 this afternoon. So, we are starting from scratch building her up again.

Now they have added one more infusion of fat to keep her weight up.

We are doing very well thanks to the help of Peter's parents and sister, and also thanks to your prayers and words of support. No word yet on when we will be able to return home.

After OP

2010-08-25T06:30:00.003+02:00

Lilly is doing well. Our night was anything but restful. Lilly fussed about every 30 minutes until about 2am. After that it was only every hour to hour and a half. In addition there is one other newborn baby in the room who screams every 2 hours around the clock for a bottle. Then between the 2 of them there is continually alarms going off for pulse oxygen, heart rates, respiratory rates, end of infusions, or blocked infusions.

Lilly alternates about every 15 minutes or so between sleep and crying. They assure me that between her epidural and medicine for fever that she is not in pain.

She got a small amount of tea spread out over 3 hours last night. But as usual with her she had quite a bit of vomiting lovely green bile so even that was stopped.

Now it is nearly 3 in the afternoon here. We are soon going to close off her NG tube (tube running from her tummy out her nose) and see how she takes a little more tea. It's funny that no one I have talked to in the States has ever heard of giving a baby tea before, but it is a standard thing here and it really does soothe the tummy.

I don't expect there to be any new info today so will send out another update when there is a change. Thank you so much for your e-mail. I love to know that so many people are whispering Lilly's name in prayer. Keep praying!

Will try now to attach a few pics both before and after surgery. She keeps a death grip on her crib railing which you can see in the picture. Haven't tried sending pics on my new phone yet so hope it works.

In Recovery

2010-08-24T06:29:00.000+02:00

Lilly is now in recovery and we are sitting beside her bed. The surgery took nearly 5 hours and was not as easy as they were hoping. They actually found 2 areas of her large intestine that were very small and constricted. The first they came to was a very small portion and easily removed and sewn back together. The second section was much larger estimated to be around 15 cm (6 inches). This was removed as well and the intestines connected there as well with stitches. So she has two separate areas with stitches in the large intestine. Because of this they are going to leave the colostomy in place. This will allow the affected area to heal before it is exposed to fecal matter. She will have another X-ray in about 3 weeks to see how the areas look. She will certainly undergo another surgery in the coming weeks or months but the doctor is quite certain that we will eventually be able to get rid of the colostomy bag and have everything working the way it should.

So not the solution we hoped to have from this surgery, but Lilly is stable and has good pain medicine through an epidural.

Lilly In Surgery

2010-08-24T06:26:00.000+02:00

Lilly went into surgery about 1 hour ago. They expect it will take at least 3 hours. Thank you for your continued prayers!

She was a happy girl all morning despite having her last bottle at 6 am. Took a good morning nap in daddy's arms.

Hospital - Take 2

2010-08-20T20:59:00.005+02:00

Lilly went into the hospital last Friday for a scheduled x-ray and biopsy. What was supposed to be 1 overnight stay stretched out much longer. You know our Lilly, she tends to like all the drama and attention. Not to mention she will do anything for a private hospital room.

The x-ray and biopsy went as planned, and the doctors were able to obtain some information that should help them determine the course of action for Lilly's upcoming surgery next week. The biopsy required full anesthesia and fasting. Lilly came out of the procedure fine and as expected didn't have her normal appetite after and was sleepy.

The next morning, she started eating a little more (still only 1/2 of her normal intake) and seemed to be a little more awake. We took her home around lunchtime. As the afternoon went on, we became more and more concerned. Lilly was more and more lethargic, had zero interest in drinking, and by early evening stopped having wet diapers. She was also throwing up greenish bile stuff. We headed back to the hospital to get her readmitted.

And what do you know? As soon as we get into the ER, she is awake, smiling at the doctors, and pees on the table. We were adamant that things were not right with her and just as they admitted her and got her into her room, she threw up her pretty contents and the doctors agreed that there was something wrong.

Two days, a steady IV and ECG, and two ultrasounds later it was determined that her intestines had not been able to rid themselves of the contrast agent from the x-ray. That was the only thing they could find that might have caused all these symptoms.

Here are pics from our dramatic weekend.

It's Been A While

2010-08-20T20:14:00.001+02:00

It isn't that I haven't wanted to update the blog lately. I really want to keep you all informed and up to date on Cooper and Lilly. It's just that our world has kind of been thrown off its axis in the last several months. Our "norm" has changed.

It's amazing how quickly life can change and how fast the events that were once the scariest things we had ever faced have just become part of our daily lives.

Beeping monitors showing the rythmic waves of our little girl's heart and respiratory rate. Electrodes on a tiny chest. It's part of our new norm.

Autism forums with discussions of toxic metals, vitamin supplements, chelation, dietary infractions, and acronyms such as GFCFSFEF. By the way, Cooper is GFCF, soon to be SF. It used to be like learning a new language, and now that's our norm, too.

Numerous attempts at IV lines in tiny baby hands and on the head causing frantic screams and crocodile tears. It used to make my stomach seize up with worry, but not anymore. It's just another part of our new norm.

Hours spent researching therapies for autism and requesting funding from insurance, goverment, and other agencies to get the help that Cooper needs. It's frustrating, but that is the norm around here.

Emptying and replacing colostomy bags and having to give long explanations whenever we have to change a diaper in a public place. That is surprisingly the easiest of our new norm.

Just because these things have become our new norm, doesn't mean that they are getting any easier. Truth be told, our new norm is taking its toll on us. Peter says he feels like a mistreated dog, and I feel like I have aged 10 years. We've had hard times in the past, but this year seems to be the toughest we've had to weather yet. Even harder is the realization that there is no magic medicine and no amount of money that can just fix any of this. Our kids are only 3 months and 3 years old. We are merely at the beginning of this journey.

I have certainly had my moments of anger lately, feeling that none of this is fair. But, as often as possible, I am clinging to the hope that God has a bigger plan than I can see right now. I am hoping that He is somehow using this time in a way that will bring blessings and grace later. God knows we need it.

3 Months

2010-08-18T21:57:00.006+02:00

This beautiful angel is already 3 months old.

She cried non-stop after leaving the hospital and all through her second month. Now, at 3 months we're sailing much more smoothly. One thing we have been thankful for is that as of 6 weeks old, she has been sleeping through the night largely with the help of the miracle blanket. If you have a new baby, that thing really does work like a miracle. She drinks about 120 ml (4 oz.) every 3 hours during the day, mostly breastmilk but also sometimes 1 bottle of formula during the day. After being awake for 2 hours she gets fussy and can pretty easily be rocked, walked, or bounced to sleep. She typically goes to sleep at night around 8:00 PM and whoever is up latest has the job of waking Lilly up, changing her diaper and topping her off with a bottle. This gets her through until 6 or 7 in the morning.

Lilly is extremely aware of her surroudings. Sometimes overly sensitive to sound, there is a large variety of things that will upset her and get her screaming. These include me yelling at Cooper or Peter sneezing. (Although, I must admit Peter is a violent sneezer.) Her big, blue watchful eyes follow anyone who is in the room and she thoroughly enjoys watching Cooper and Kayla around the house. If she sees her daddy across the room, she breaks out in a beautiful, dimply smile.

Her smile is just gorgeous, and she uses it to charm all her doctors and nurses. She has little hints of dimples on each cheek, much like Peter did as a baby. But she doesn't really look like Peter or me or Cooper. We are still waiting to see who she grows to look like.

Like Cooper was, she is a champ sucker. She loves her MAM pacifiers and if that isn't around she will stick one, two, or four fingers in her mouth and tries to get the whole fist in at times. If the paci falls out of her mouth, she will turn or tilt her head to try to get it back in her self and is actually often successful. She has recently started sticking her tongue way out, which is really funny looking.

She snorts a lot when she cries, which makes it hard not to laugh when she is upset.

She has recently started making little coo's and reaching for toys over her. And just today, she started rolling from her back to her front (can't go the other way yet) and has done it several times already.

Even though it is mommy who changes the most diapers and always bathes and applies a new colostomy bag, she is a Daddy's girl through and through. From the start she has always been calmer in his arms.

Lilly has her next surgery next week, but let's hope that after that her next 3 months are a little more calm and don't involve any more hospital visits!

Here's an abundance of photos from the first 3 months. Sorry there are so many, but I just don't know how to edit and I know I never get tired of looking at these sweet faces.

Last Days of Preschool

2010-08-01T20:32:00.001+02:00

Cooper's preschool has ended, and with it my 4 mornings a week of Cooper free time. I have to admit that this milestone brought tears to my eyes. Cooper's teachers were great and he has learned a lot under their care. They all said something similar about my crazy guy, which really touched me. They said that there is just something about Cooper that touches a special place in their hearts. Maybe they say that to every mother, but I do think it is true of Cooper. I was emotional that my little boy is growing up and truth be told a little overwhelmed that I would have to keep him out of trouble all day long at home with Lilly.

Here's the Preschool Grad with his teachers, Stephanie and Anja.

Fun with the Rogers

2010-07-20T12:26:00.000+02:00

We have been unbelievably blessed by all the friends and family who have come to our rescue with prayer, support, and help. Uncle Alan, Aunt April, and our sweet Godson Sam hopped on an airplane and jumped across the big pond, just to help us out and spend time with Cooper and Lilly.

They brought some gifts with them for me, Lilly, and Cooper. One of them being a Kindle so that I can download English books anytime I want. I am so in love with this new device!

To think that they would use their vacation time and money to come all the way to Germany is more than we deserve. They were a great help around the house, added some extra helping hands with Cooper and Lilly, and just provided a great distraction to have friendly faces around. Alan slaved in the hot sun for a few days and got our yard in tip top shape. Alan also tried a few of his "private therapy sessions" with Cooper. April kept busy with laundry and made us the most delicious fried egg sandwiches. And Sam, well Sam did what he does best, he crawled around looking adorable and putting smiles on all our faces.

We were mostly stuck at home caring for Lilly, but I was getting a little more confident by this point and so we planned a few outings. We had one trip to the pool and also went to a wild park.

The biggest outing was a day of hiking in the Alps. We chose a spot that was kid friendly and had a great time. We couldn't have managed that without the help of Alan and April.

Alan spontaneously decided that he wanted to do a triathlon in a nearby town. Peter and I would have totally done it as well, but we didn't want Alan to feel threatened by our fierce competition. Ha!

I am sure that our chaos got pretty irritating after 2 weeks, but we are so thankful that they put up with us for that long and even let Peter and I go out to dinner one night without kids. It was such a treat.

And while they were here, we celebrated a momentous occasion. Sam celebrated turned 1 year old! April baked a delicious cake and we sang to the birthday boy.

Thank you so much Alan and April. We feel so indebted to you for your love and generosity. You are our family as well as dear friends, not to mention fantastic parents to our beautiful Godson. Please know how much we appreciate all that you have done for us!

MicMa

2010-06-22T22:07:00.003+02:00

This is MicMa. Or as Cooper says, "MicMock".

She is an amazing person. A giver in every sense of the word. She gives all of herself to those she loves. And Cooper, Lilly, Peter and I are so lucky that she loves us and we are on the receiving end.

Micma came to our rescue when we needed her most. She does that a lot. She swooped in and did everything from laundry, to bathing a dirty little boy, to cleaning our scary toilets, to making gluten and dairy free meals and snacks for Cooper, and even cleaning up our dog's puke off the floor. She arrived with suitcases full of the most adorable little girl clothes I have ever seen, an amazing quilt, and some sweet gifts from other family members. She doted on Cooper in the most loving way and talked about how handsome he is. And there are few things that a mom loves more than to watch people dote on her kids and to have other people know how wonderful and beautiful her kids are.

Yes, the MicMa is a rare breed. I hope everyone is blessed to have a MicMa in their lives. We sure are and we are missing her right now. (Lilly's face in this picture cracks me up. I think she is about to let you know what she will do to you if you come near her MicMa. The girl means business.)

Thank you for everything you did for us, MicMa. You being here made us feel showered with love and gave me priceless worry-free hours with Lilly. You just made things easier and we enjoyed our time with you. We love you!

Lilly's Story - The Homecoming

2010-06-20T11:39:00.005+02:00

On Monday, May 24th, the doctors informed us that Lilly would be ready to go home early the next week. This was fantastic news to us. Peter needed to make a business trip to London and we decided that he should go ahead and get it over with while my aunt was here helping us. That way he could be here to help out after Lilly came home. He left on Tuesday, and the very next day I received quite a shock. Lilly was doing so well that they decided they would go ahead and release her that Friday! I was a little freaked. I mean, of course I wanted my baby to come home as quickly as possible, but Peter wasn’t there. He was going to miss this exciting event, and in my head I had imagined this memorable moment of him video taping us leaving the hospital and putting her in her car seat and the two of us driving our precious cargo home together. It was a strange and surreal feeling to walk out of that hospital alone with Lilly, put her in the car, and drive home. This happy time felt really lonely, regardless it is still a relief and a pleasure to say that on Friday, May 28th (exactly 3 weeks after her birth), Lillian Kate Claus came home.

Before Lilly was born I had made a wreath to go on the door and a special sign to let everyone know that our precious bundle had arrived. I relish in any excuse to use glitter and a hot glue gun! I had even planted some flowers in pink, green, and white around the door. Here’s my handy work:

Cooper was all smiles over his baby sister. I love to hear him say her name. He kind of stumbles over the “L”s and it is just adorable. He laughs at her when she is in her swing, and he has been yelled at a few times when he has tried to climb in the swing himself and have a little ride. I think that if he had any idea at this point how much she would cry and how much of mommy and daddy’s attention she would steal away, he might not have been so happy.

Being home with a newborn without Peter, I was a little apprehensive how the first night would go. This was also my chance to transition to strictly breastfeeding Lilly and breaking her of the bottle. To my surprise and delight, she slept quite well that first night and woke up 3 times to nurse, albeit 3 lengthy fussy sessions, and then went right back to sleep. The next day, Peter came home and we celebrated having our family all together again.

For the next 2 days, we all endured lots of crying, screaming, and tears from our now 4 week old baby girl. Any noise would startle and set her off. Once we had her settled in our arms, any change in position would upset her. She went from polishing off her bottles every 3 hours in the hospital to wanting to nurse every 1.5 to 2 hours, and would scream even during nursing. We thought that maybe she was getting used to being in a new setting, with more noise than her private hospital room. We thought that maybe she had a lot of gas and was starting to become colicky. We thought that maybe she was just frustrated that the milk didn’t flow as fast from me as it did from the bottle. After a couple of days, I noticed that I felt empty and that my milk just couldn’t keep up. Peter and I decided that as an experiment, we would only feed Lilly my breastmilk out of bottles to know how much she was getting. Sure enough she was a more content baby. So, to preserve my sanity I have given in and we are now just giving her my milk in bottles. I thought that I was going to show Lilly who’s the boss around here, and as it turns out, she is the boss!

And she knows it!

A Day for Cooper

2010-06-20T10:36:00.007+02:00

Well, the latest posts have all been about Lilly and the blog may be all pink, but we haven't forgotten about our favorite little guy. You remember him, right? The one with the impossibly long eyelashes, adorable smile, and cutest little butt on earth? Oh, I guess the butt thing is just my opinion, but if you saw it you would totally agree.

Anyway, we figured that with all the drama and time away spent with Lilly, Cooper deserved a day with Mommy, Papa, and MicMaw all to himself. So, we headed out to a Wild Park in Poing to feed animals and play.

Cooper enjoyed a morning of:

Feeding Ponies . . .

Climbing . . .

Crossing treacherous terrains . . .

Spinning . . .

More climbing . . .

Sliding . . .

Still more climbing . . .

Traversing . . .

Balancing . . .

Crawling . . .

Zipping . . .

Feeding Goats . . .

Feeding Bacon, I mean Pigs . . .

And lots of smiling!

His sister may be stealing all our time, but this guy stole our hearts a long time ago.

Lilly's Story - Preemie Ward

2010-06-19T22:36:00.004+02:00

It was such a relief to be moved to the preemie ward for several reasons. Of course, just the fact of Lilly no longer being in intensive care meant that she was getting better. This was also a place that had more visiting hours and easier conditions to spend time with our sweet girl. Peter’s sister, Christina, who had been caring for Cooper every day was finally able to get in and see Lilly. We walked in that first afternoon and donned our protective gowns, then we went into Lilly’s room and started putting on our rubber gloves just as we had been doing on the intensive station. The nurse gave us a strange look and asked us what we were doing. She let us know that we didn’t need gloves to touch our own baby. We could actually touch Lilly’s baby soft skin with our bare hands! It is amazing how this simple thing to which new parents typically don’t give any thought was such a precious treat for us.

But the very best part of the preemie ward, naturally, was getting to hold my baby for the first time in 5 days. In fact, after the nurse learned that I had not been able to hold her in all that time or even touch her with my bare hands, she got me set up for kangaroo care which is simply holding the baby skin on skin. It felt amazing to feel her warmth on my skin, and all I kept thinking was that she felt like a little tree frog on my chest. Unfortunately, due to her pain levels, I was the only one that got to hold her that first day in the preemie ward. Peter totally got the shaft.

Just as in the ICU, Lilly got her own room due to her Rotavirus. She is such a princess. Each day that we would enter the preemie ward, we would check Lilly’s chart to see her weight and vital signs and then wait for one of the nurses to “unplug” her, meaning to disconnect her ECG and pulse oxy cables. After she was unplugged we could hold her. It was clear in the beginning that Lilly was still in a lot of pain because she would wimper and let out little cries whenever she was moved, and that was even with lots of pain meds. We actually had to sit and let the nurses move her from her bed to our arms. It was kind of intimidating to hold a baby with so many tubes and wires coming out. She had 6 IV lines in addition to her cables and also a tube in her nose going down to her stomach. Once I had her in my arms, I didn’t want to move out of fear that I might cause her additional pain or press too hard on one of her tubes causing it to clog. It didn’t matter if my arm was hurting or if my legs had fallen asleep, I just wanted her to be comfortable. She was very sleepy from the surgery and all the medicine, so we didn’t see her with her eyes open for several days.

After about a week into Lilly’s stay in the preemie ward, they dropped her pain meds and the nurses started letting us take on some simple tasks. Lilly had wonderful nurses caring for her. They clearly enjoyed their job and were so nurturing to our little sweetie. They were also very patient with us as we learned how to care for Lilly. You would think that with a 3 year old I would be a pro at changing diapers, but maneuvering around all those lines and keeping them all straight and in the right direction made me very nervous in the beginning. We also had to learn how to empty her colostomy bag, how to bathe her, and how to change out her bag.

Peter and I discussed early on in intensive care how there were some parents there who looked like “professionals”, so relaxed and routined as if they had been in this situation already for a long time. We wondered how long it would be before we would waltz in there as “experienced” parents of a sick child. It was surprising how quickly this all became our new norm. And learning how to handle Lilly’s IV lines, cables, and colostomy bag was very much the same way. We were all thumbs in the beginning and after a very short time, we had it all mastered.

Most days as we would arrive in Lilly’s room, we would see that her IV lines had been moved. The positions would vary between each of her hands and different places on her head. Clogged lines meant new sticks, and new sticks would mean lots of crying and more pain for our tiny baby. As you can imagine, we would be delighted at the removal of each IV line in the last week of her stay. Again, a great indicator that Lilly was getting better, and it would also mean one less line that could clog and require yet another needle.

It was also in the preemie ward that Lilly started getting some of that liquid gold that I had been working hard to make for her. First they just dribbled some on her lips so that she would learn the scent of my milk. Then they began giving her 3 ml from a syringe. After a couple days, she got bumped up to 8 ml, then 11, then back down to 8, and up from there. Each addition required a 12-24 hour period to observe how she was handling it. Around this time, she started crying from hunger and giving her pacifier a real workout. It was just heartbreaking to see her crying from hunger. She was getting fat through her IV to maintain her weight, but nothing in her hungry little tummy. When the doctor saw all these signs of hunger, she gave the go ahead to crank things up and go for 20 ml.
And on up Lilly went until she reached the point in the last few days that she could have upwards of 80 ml.

In the last two weeks that Lilly was there, I was finally allowed to actually nurse. I was so excited from the beginning, however things didn’t go as I hoped they would. First I had to weigh her before and after nursing and record the amounts so she had to drink. After having so many bottles, Lilly had a hard time latching on and once on she would get very frustrated. Milk didn’t flow from me as quickly or easily as it did from her bottles and she let me know that she was not having it. I would battle it out with her for about an hour at a time and upon weighing her would find that she only drank anywhere between 20 and 40 ml, when she would typically have 80 ml or more from a bottle. Then, of course, she would start crying after about an hour from hunger and we would start the whole thing over again. I decided from the start that I would simply be persistent and was determined to make it work.

Here are pictures from Lilly's time in the preemie ward. As you can see, she looked better and more beautiful each day.

Reinforcements Have Arrived

2010-06-19T21:58:00.000+02:00

We are so blessed to have family that cares about us and is willing to step in and help when we need it. Peter’s parents came to Isen to help out with Cooper and Kayla just after Lilly was born. They have taken in their “granddog” on multiple occasions to help us out. Christina (Peter’s sister) joined us in the delivery room and took lots of photos for us of our first moments with our daughter which I will always cherish. She also took a week vacation from her job to care for Cooper in our house while we were in the hospital with Lilly. My Aunt Brenda flew over from the US, arriving the day that Christina had to leave, and stayed with us for nearly 3 weeks. She cared for Cooper, did tons of housework, and was also there to help out the first few days that Lilly was home. Having her there with us was the next best thing to having my mom there, and anytime she is around it feels like a piece of my mom is around. Even my brother Alan was ready to book a flight in a moments notice, but I persuaded him to wait until Lilly was home when we would need more help. He, April, and Sam will be here in just a couple of weeks.

The peace of mind that these wonderful people gave us was invaluable. I felt guilty enough each day leaving Cooper and not spending the time with him that I normally would, but to know that he was with people that love and adore him and probably give him more attention than I do made our situation so much easier. I can’t thank you all enough for helping us in this way. You all gave so much to us in a time when we had nothing to give in return and your love has made such a profound influence on us. We love you so much!

Lilly's Story - 5 Days in ICU

2010-05-19T21:52:00.006+02:00

After Lilly's surgery, she was moved to an isolation room. Test results showed that not only did she have sepsis infection in her blood, she also had Rotavirus which would really put the other babies in ICU at risk. Man, the lengths that princess will go to to get her own room! In fact, on this day visiting Lilly we had to don some protective gear. We were required to wear gloves, face masks, and gowns to visit our little girl. We also had to perform an extensive cleaning ritual both before and after we would go into her room.

Day 3 in ICU (the day after Lilly's surgery) showed a decrease in infection levels, and on this day our spirits really improved. She was still in a lot of pain, so we restricted our visits to talking, singing, and softly stroking our sweet baby's face, head, and hands. I was still caught up in disbelief that this was all happening, but so relieved that she was now on the path of recovery.

In fact, we found that we had a lot to be thankful for on this day. We felt thankful that the knowledge and expertise of the doctors had taken care of a potentially fatal illness at just the right time and our baby was finally starting to improve. We felt thankful that we could once again imagine putting little pink dresses on this beautiful girl, and wonder at how much Cooper would torment his little sister. My brother, Alan, had been sending e-mails out to friends and family updating them on Lilly's condition. Because of this throughout the days we received a constant stream of encouraging e-mails with words of love and support and prayers lifted up for Lilly. We felt especially thankful for all the people who cared for us and who were asking God for healing for our precious baby. Thank you all so much for your kind words. I wish I could adequately put into words how much it meant to us and how much we looked forward to checking Peter's blackberry in these days. We were both truly touched.

Day 5 in the ICU was a day full of wondeful news. Lilly's sweet nurse stopped us in the hallway and told us not to be shocked that something was missing from Lilly's face. Her ventilator was gone! Next came the news that this day would be Moving Day for Lilly. She was going to be headed to the ward for premature babies. And the best news of all for me . . . I would get to hold my baby for the first time since Sunday morning before she was ever transferred (this was a Thursday).

Here are pictures from the ICU:

Lilly's Story - Surgery in the ICU

2010-05-19T21:49:00.002+02:00

After that heart wrenching night in the hotel, we called the ICU first thing in the morning to get an update on Lilly’s status. Lilly's infection levels had not decreased, and her belly was becoming increasingly red and inflamed. They put her on a ventilator in the night, not because she couldn't breathe on her own but because of the large doses of pain medication they were giving her. They also informed us that the doctors had decided that she would need surgery and that we needed to be there by 8:00 AM. The doctors weren’t sure what they were going to find, but they were concerned that if they waited any longer and her large intestine perforated, it would be fatal. We got dressed and got over to the hospital as quickly as possible.

I will be the first to admit that I looked terrible. A night of crying had left my eyes swollen to small slits. When I walked into the ICU, Lilly’s nurse asked if I was able to get any rest during the night. They prepped Lilly for surgery and then let us sit by her bed in the OP as they waited for the doctors to arrive. I wanted to say a prayer aloud with Peter, but I was doing everything possible not to lose control of my emotions at that moment so I silently prayed to God to protect her and to guide her doctors. I had an enormous lump in my throat, and my heart felt as if it had a 100 lb. weight sitting on it. I was doing OK, and then we had to leave the room and stand outside the door as the anesthesiologist started talking to us about the risks. It wasn’t his talking that got to me, but just not knowing what was going to happen. I was just so scared for my little girl. You would have thought that I wouldn’t have had any tears left, but as I watched them finish their prep, I could hardly see through all my tears. It was a really ugly cry, but I imagine the ICU folks see a lot of that.

Lilly pulled through the surgery like a champ. We are lucky that she is such a chunky little thing and that she went to full term. Apparently her condition is one that is very commonly found in premature babies, and her size and fully developed body give her a huge advantage. The doctors informed us that the surgery was a success. When they saw inside her tiny tummy, they found exactly what they had suspected. A part of her large intestine was inflamed, bright red, and even black in some places. They created a sort of bypass exit route at the end of the small intestine and put in an opening for a colostomy bag (we kindly refer to this as a poop bag, and it is essentially a bag that attaches on the outside of her abdomen and collects the waste). Having this new exit pathway will allow the infected portion of her large intestine to either have a chance to heal or the severely infected part will kind of shrivel up and die away. After 12 weeks, they will go in again and cut out that dead part of the intestine and reconnect the pieces of healthy intestines allowing food to move through the regular pathways again, after which the bag can be removed.

If all goes well, she will be a regular kid who can run, jump, swim, and play with all the other kids. Relief washed over me at the idea of Lilly having the “normal” life that I had hoped. I was also relieved to learn that my efforts of pumping to get breast milk for Lilly were not in vain. She would not get any food for a while after surgery, however she would slowly be started on tiny doses of breast milk a few days after surgery and if things go well, they will increase slowly and eventually she will even be able to nurse.

We saw Lilly after her surgery, but kept our visits that afternoon short to allow our little girl the rest and quiet that she needed to recover from surgery. I have to say here that the hospital that Lilly is at is incredible. The building may be old, but the staff is excellent. I truly believe that Lilly has the best doctors around who are incredibly knowledgeable and skilled. The nursing staff is an amazing combination of skilled and nurturing. Everyone has treated Lilly as if she were their own baby, and they have treated us with patience and kindness, always available to answer questions and listen to our concerns.

Lilly's Story - Escalation from Worried to Terrified

2010-05-16T08:07:00.006+02:00

Once the doctor decided to move Lilly to another hospital, everyone started moving fast. A special ambulance for babies was called to transport Lilly to the Schwabing Klinik in Munich. Peter and I went to pack all of our belongings. I had to have a final exam from the doctor and get release to leave the hospital early. All this time I am keeping myself calm and optimistic. I kept telling myself it was something small and it would be taken care of soon. It wasn’t until we went to say good-bye to Lilly before they loaded her into the ambulance that my resolve to be relaxed started crumbling to the ground. The tears starting flooding and ironically enough, the only thing I had in my hands to catch them was a tiny pair of baby socks.

Here is a picture of the ambulance workers and all their gear coming to take Lilly away. Sorry they are a bit blurry, all we had was Peter's blackberry at the moment.

We drove to the hospital, which for me was such a long drive filled with worry and disbelief that this was all happening. When we arrived, Lilly was put onto the premie ward, and the doctors began their examination. They asked us to leave the room in order to get a stool sample from Lilly, and shortly thereafter a doctor came into the waiting room to inform us that they were concerned by blood in her stool and would be transferring her immediately to the intensive care unit. They also found sepsis which is a very serious infection in her blood. The whole time I kept wondering how everything had gone so wrong so quickly. This was supposed to be a wonderful and happy time for us.

In intensive care, the doctors let us know that they were going to have to take some ultrasounds to see what might be going on. The ultrasounds showed some air bubbles in Lilly’s intestines, but nothing really conclusive. They suspected that Lilly might have a perforation in some part of her intestines, or that perforation might be about to occur. They planned to watch her that evening and do more ultrasounds to see if the bubbles moved outside of the intestines. If it was as they thought, she would have to undergo surgery.

We hadn’t eaten anything since early that morning, so we left to grab a bite to eat, and then returned to the hospital again. I knew that I would need access to a breast pump, but it seemed crazy to think about having to get up and come to the hospital to pump in the middle of the night. Peter got one of the doctors to write a prescription for a rental pump and he got on the phone and started calling pharmacies in the area to find a pharmacy who was not only open after hours, but that also had a pump on hand. I can’t even begin to explain all the ways that Peter has amazed me in this whole event, but his determination to find a pump for me was just the start of many incredible things that Peter would do for me over the course of the next days. I have never seen a person respond under pressure the way my wonderful husband does.

That night in the hotel was an inner battle for me. A battle of emotions, a battle of feelings and talks with God, a battle to stay optimistic, and a battle to take care of all the postpartum needs that a woman has to do for her body after having a baby. Having to wake up a few times in the night to pump was frustrating. I didn’t have milk yet (the pumping was required to get my body to produce milk as if I had a nursing baby), and the thought of putting my body through all this in the uncertainty of whether Lilly would ever need it was hurtful. I had an aunt coming in less than a week with suitcases of pink dresses and onesies and a pink and brown diaper bag with Lilly’s initials embroidered on it. What if we never needed those things? What if my aunt was coming over for a funeral rather than a celebration? I weeped and sobbed and prayed and begged God to help Lilly and to help the doctors.

In the wee hours of the morning, I talked with Peter about God’s will. When bad things happen to people, I typically come to two possible conclusions. Either God is punishing them or God has chosen them for something special. I don’t think that God is punishing us. Peter and I are good people. But I felt anger at this moment that it seems as if there are so many dishonest and terrible people in this world who have everything: wealth, happiness, and a normal family with healthy children. What had we done to deserve this? And the other alternative would be that He has chosen us. And quite frankly, at this moment I didn’t want to be chosen. I know it is wrong to say, but it is how I felt. God, this hurts too much. Please don’t use me in this way. But it isn’t our choice and it isn’t our will, is it? God’s plans often don’t feel good.

Here are some pictures from the ICU that first day (Sunday). They ended up putting Lilly on a ventilator, not because she couldn't breathe on her own, but as a precaution because she was receiving so much pain medication.

More about Lilly's stay in the ICU coming soon.

Lilly's Story - The First Signs of Trouble

2010-05-13T22:04:00.002+02:00

As a new mom with Cooper, I recall stressing over every incident, feeding, diaper, and small details. I had convinced myself that this time I would be relaxed and calm, and just let Lilly set her own schedule of eating/pooping/sleeping, etc. I was doing great, and so was she. However, the first evening (Friday evening), Lilly's blood sugar levels were very low. The doctors and nurses started off giving her a few bottles of a glucose mixture between nursing sessions. After several tries, her blood sugar still wouldn't come up, so during the night they took her and put in an IV infusion. I didn't get to see her at all Friday evening. But the nurses and doctor assured me that this can be common with bigger babies and that everything was fine. On Saturday morning, they continued with the infusion and bottles. And we were happy when her glucose levels came up and the IV was removed. She got her last bottle of glucose mixture at about 3:00 that afternoon and I thought we would be all set to return to nursing only.

About the time that Lilly had her last bottle, she started having some spit up. I am a veteran when it comes to spit up considering all we went through with Cooper’s reflux as a newborn so I was not at all alarmed. At about 7 in the evening, I was surprised that she still was not ready to nurse (remember her last feeding was at 3 in the afternoon). I asked a nurse about it and she said that Lilly had just had a lot of bottles to regulate her blood sugar levels plus the IV in addition and that she must have just been full to the brim. She advised me to wait another 1-2 hours and try again. Two hours later (9 in the evening) I tried again, but Lilly had been sleeping the whole time and showed no interest in waking to eat.

I maintained my “no stress” demeanor even though I was concerned. Babies just don’t go that long without eating. At 10 I tried again with no luck. Finally at midnight, I started to really worry. I spoke with the night nurse who was so nice and nurturing. Together we brought Lilly out to the nurse’s station and tried a few different tactics to wake her, including sticking her heels to test her blood sugar levels. We would be able to get Lilly to open her eyes and fuss a little, but once I would get her into nursing position she would be back asleep.

Then the nurse suggested something that no nurse in the US would ever be allowed to suggest. She suggested that I lay in bed with Lilly tucked in beside me and try to nurse and sleep. The nurse came into the room with me, set up pillows all around us, put up the guard rails on the bed and tucked the covers around us. She and I both felt that Lilly would have to get hungry soon and eat. I felt cozy with my sweet baby next to me and settled in feeling her warmth against me. I slept on and off like this with Lilly for the next couple of hours.

At 2:30 in the morning, I was getting uncomfortable from laying in the same position and more worried. I called the nurse again, and yet again we tried different tactics to wake Lilly up. She would cry a little and then always go right back to sleep. The nurse then helped tuck Lilly and I into bed again, this time skin to skin with her on my chest and pillows propped all around us. I later told Peter that it felt so nice to be tucked in and I actually got the best sleep that I had had up to that point with Lilly’s soft, warm little body and gentle breathing on my chest. It was a cherished time for me with my sweet girl.

4:30 – Lilly cried and fussed a little, but still wouldn’t eat.
5:10 – Still not.

I tried every hour until the pediatric doctor came in for rounds around 9:00 AM. We let him know that we were really concerned. He checked Lilly out and gave her a thorough physical exam. He noted that her belly was firm and she was still having spit up. And even after all this time without food, she was still having several wet and poopy diapers, all indicators that she has food in her tummy. The doctor wanted to keep a close watch on her until noon. Just after he left the room, Peter and I went to change her diaper. We noticed some blood in her stool which we had on a wipe. Peter took the wipe to the nurse, she took the wipe to the doctor, and the doctor took another look at Lilly. At that point he made the decision to send her to a pediatric hospital in Munich.

More to come in the next part of Lilly's story. I will try to update tomorrow with pictures of her transfer to ICU.

Lilly's Story - A Great Start

2010-05-13T08:46:00.006+02:00

Lillian Kate Claus was born on Friday, May 7th at 3:25 in the afternoon. The doctors and midwife in the delivery were really great and everything went quickly and smoothly.

To me, Lilly does not look like her brother, Cooper. She has a different chin and nose. She has more hair than Cooper did and it is a medium to dark brown. Although Cooper lost all of his hair, so we'll see what Lilly's hair does. She came out with long fingernails and I promised her that we would both get a manicure as soon as possible. She has long, skinny fingers and toes. She was the same length as Cooper at 53 cm, so she will likely be tall as well. However, unlike her brother, this girl came out with some meat on her bones! She weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 12 oz (4010g), a full pound heavier than her brother's birth weight.

I had known throughout the pregnancy that we were having a girl, but Peter wanted a surprise. So, I did my absolute best to keep it a secret all the while collecting little pink things and hiding them. When Lilly came out, the doctor took a quick glance and proclaimed that we had ourselves a baby BOY! I was shocked until the midwife corrected him and confirmed that we had a perfect little girl.

From the start, she proved to be a pro at sucking and did very well nursing immediately. Being in a small hospital in the country, Peter and I had a lot of quiet time to hold and bond with our special girl in a family room where Peter had a bed to sleep and stay the nights with us. We got visits from Peter's parents, Peter's sister (Christina), and Cooper. I was shocked when Cooper walked into my hospital room for the first time. After holding and looking at a tiny little Lilly, I was astonished at how big my "little" boy suddenly had become to me. He looks so tall and grown up to me now. Cooper took little interest in Lilly, but was very sweet at one point wanting to put the tiny pink pacifier in her mouth. Other than that, he was more interested in jumping up and down on the bed, sticking his banana in a little cubby cut out of the wall, climbing on mommy and pressing the nurse call button, which he did several times when we weren't paying close enough attention!

Here are some pictures of our first day with Lilly. Stay tuned for more posts on the big adventures of our little girl.

The Belly - 3 Days Before Due Date

2010-05-03T20:43:00.005+02:00

Here are pictures that we took this evening. I am now at 39 weeks and 4 days. Only 3 days till the baby's official due date. I am starting to worry that this baby isn't going to budge before due date. This is a good comparison to the pics from 32 weeks since I am wearing the same outfit.

Are we sure there's only one baby in there?

This is my better side.

Little Boys Make Big Messes

2010-05-01T15:50:00.002+02:00

Yesterday Cooper and I had quite a messy experience. After a busy morning of running errands, I laid Cooper down for his afternoon nap. As usual, I had to go up and down the stairs several times making him get back into bed. My last attempt proved to be quite a shock to me. Upon walking in I could instantly smell a poopy diaper. Unfortunately for me, the diaper was no longer on Cooper. He had taken his poopy diaper off, had poopy smeared all over his hands and arms and was as jolly as could be sitting in his upholstered rocking chair and rocking.

I didn't get pictures, I was too busy screaming. Cooper and I went directly down to the bathtub to get him cleaned up and I cleaned up everything I could in his room. Of course, I had to call Peter to tell him what "his" son had done. These things only seem to happen when daddies are away!

Weekend Waiting

2010-05-01T15:41:00.003+02:00

Well, the full moon had no impact on this baby. We are still waiting around this weekend for the little pooper to come out. As we wait we are trying to get as many tasks done as possible, knowing that things are easier to accomplish without a newborn. Today we worked in the yard a bit, pulling weeds, cutting grass, and planting flowers. I got my window boxes planted yesterday in my nesting state. As you can see Cooper enjoyed working in the garden as well.

What's In Your Pantry?

2010-05-01T08:49:00.003+02:00

I am starting to find the condition of our pantry quite humorous. We used to be a typical family with yummy items tucked away in the pantry. Staples such as Cheerios (here they are called Honey Loops), Corn Flakes, Special K cereal, Chocolate, Brownie Mixes, Flour, Pasta, Cans of Chicken Noodle Soup, Sauce mixes, Candy, Crackers, and Cookies among many other things have always had a constant, comforting presence in our house.

Now our pantry contains items that I never new existed and never imagined that I would be buying and eating. So, here are a some of the things that have started to take over our pantry:

Potato Flour/Starch
Corn Flour
Rice Flour
Tapioca Flour
Agave Nectar
Flaxseed Meal
GFCF bread
Rice pasta
Corn Pasta
Guar Gum
Almond Milk
Soy Milk
Coconut Milk
Tamari
Soy Vanilla Pudding
Rice Cakes and Corn Cakes
GFCF Vegetable and Chicken Broths

In addition to these weird things, we are buying more fresh fruit and produce than ever. Sure it all sounds healthy and you would think that we would all be losing weight, but not yet. Believe it or not, I can still find the most fattening recipes using this stuff. This morning we had GFCF donuts. Yes, I made them from scratch! But I hope that over time we (Peter and I) will lose some weight with this new diet. Unfortunately, these new grocery items don't come cheap. It's more expensive to feed our family this way.

I am starting a new section on my blog for GFCF recipes. I will be posting recipes that we test in our house and those that get the stamp of approval from Cooper. Many of these will be recipes that even those who don't follow a GFCF diet can make and enjoy. You will be able to find these recipes by clicking on the tab at the top of this page underneath the main picture. If you have any recipes that you can add, please send them to me. I promise to give you full credit. I am really bad about vegetables. I have never been a big vegetable eater and just don't have a clue how to cook them. I would love your suggestions. My hope is that this will be a help to other families out there struggling to find good things that their kids can eat, whether autistic or not.

What Makes Me Happy

2010-04-28T18:13:00.005+02:00

Do you know what makes me happy?

It's this guy, brushing his hair with the dog brush (at least it isn't the toilet brush this time).

And it's this guy "riding" this tractor . . . on the sofa.

And I wouldn't be truly happy without this handsome guy on the left who has been spending a lot more time with Cooper outside and coming home from work each evening to bathe and put Cooper to bed.

Pregnancy Update Week 39

2010-04-28T17:39:00.003+02:00

Week 39. I didn't even go this long with Cooper (born at 38 weeks) so in my head I was really counting on it being the same with this baby. Official due date is one week from tomorrow. Baby is very low, but according to my doctor he thinks I may go another week yet although anything can happen at anytime. He started saying that when I get to 10 days past due date we would have to talk more, and I felt the urge to stick my fingers in my ears and hum loudly. I am not even going to think about 10 days past due date.

However, in the last 2 days I have cleaned bathrooms, scrubbed faucets with a toothbrush, mopped all the floors, dusted, washed all the bed linens, moved furniture, and washed every bit of dirty laundry in the house. Tonight is a full moon, so I am crossing my fingers that things will start moving along.

Here is a picture of the belly at 32 weeks.

We actually took a couple last night as well, but Peter's photography skills paired with a long day of cleaning, therapy, and playground results in photographic images that will never see the light of day. We'll try again later this week.

Overall this pregnancy has been pretty easy, given that I have other things to think about than being pregnant. Running after Cooper and carrying him has kept some of the pounds off. Well, that and the lack of my favorite restaurants that Augusta has to offer. At 39 weeks I have gained 30 pounds. Yes, that is a lot, however it is a full 20 pounds less than I gained with Cooper. I also don't have nearly the swollen feet/ankles that I had with Cooper. I can still wear shoes! And this baby kicks, elbows, pokes, and rolls much more than Cooper did. The best thing . . . no indigestion! (Knock on wood.)

Sure it all sounds rosy, but at the end of the day I am completely exhausted. And while carrying around Cooper may have helped with the weight gain, it also means that in addition to my extra 30 pounds, I am holding another 35 pounds in the front which makes 65 pounds. And I can feel it. My back aches, I have leg and hip cramps, I pee a minimum of 6 times at night, and I can't get comfortable. Ever.

Not much longer, right? Anytime now, right? Right?

GFCF (a.k.a. Starving the Claus Family)

2010-04-28T14:30:00.003+02:00

We've done a lot of research in the last months on this whole GFCF (gluten/casein free) diet for kids with autism. Scientists and doctors are skeptical at best, but many parents of kids with Autism are convinced that this is the cure. I am hesitant to let myself believe that it could cure autism, however it is certainly worth a try. After all, it is just food.

What am I talking about? Just food? Food is the core of our family! It is one of our main joys in life!

We have been searching over the last month for good recipes that fit this diet. I was adamant from the beginning that if Cooper was going GFCF, then gosh darnit, our whole family would be GFCF. Well, one taste of gluten-free bread (which I could not even swallow) and my resolve faded. But Cooper ate it! Since then we have slowly found a handful of edible items. But to be honest, they are just that. Edible. Not delicious. Not mouthwatering. Not scrumptious. But tolerable. I have wavered between feeling 95% confident that we can handle this and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated at the lack of things I can find to feed this family. After all, I don't want to make it a habit to feed Cooper things that I wouldn't eat myself.

This isn't easy. I know that no one said it would be and life isn't easy. But man, this is tough. I just want to go about normal life, and this diet sure makes it hard. And out here in the Bavarian countryside, there are no shortcuts. There's no dairy free cheese substitute, there's no whole foods store with frozen GFCF chicken nuggets. There's no easy way out. Every meal is a strenuous decision. Every trip to the grocery store entails reading labels (in German) of every item, and 99% of the time replacing that item back on the shelf. I leave with a migraine and a nearly empty shopping cart. Every. Dang. Time.

And packing a lunch for Cooper's school? Like climbing a mountain.

And eating out? Impossible.

And picking up something quick when you are on the road or get stuck somewhere? Forget it.

I am feeling so much pressure right now to find stuff for our family to eat. To force feed things to Cooper that I don't enjoy eating either. There's no creamy sauces or yummy butter to hide veggies in anymore. Meals are a battle of will. And my will at the moment is weak. I want to cry at the end of every meal with Cooper. Is it the pregnancy hormones or trying to face the fact that our lives are being flipped upside down? Or is it all of the above mixed in with struggling with living in a foreign country? People keep telling me that we are such good parents and we are so strong. I can't decide if I should laugh in their face or scream and pull my hair out.

The bonus is that as you start this diet, kids go through withdrawal of the glutens and dairy and their behavior gets worse. This is exactly where we are at the moment. While the literature out there says that we should be encouraged by this, it is so hard to deal with. Cooper is unmanageable, unfocused, wild, clumsy, etc. etc. etc. He seems more autistic than ever. And we aren't even strict on this diet yet. We're just decreasing the bad stuff and trying new recipes.

But I wouldn't put Cooper through this and I wouldn't put Peter and I through this if I didn't think it could work. We will stick it out. We will figure it out. We will do everything we can. Because he is just so worth it. His kisses and smiles and hugs and sweet face are so worth it.

And if this diet is the way that I will:
. . . get to know what his voice sounds like when he has something to say
. . .and to find out what his thoughts are and what scares him
. . .and to hear what he will think of his new baby brother or sister
. . . and to have him tell me what his favorite cartoon really is rather than just guess
. . . and to learn if he likes gummy bears better than chocolate
. . . and to be able to know where it hurts
. . . and to hear him express in words that he loves his daddy and me
. . .and to get to know my little boy the way that a mommy should know her son

Well, if this diet could do all that . . . it doesn't matter how it tastes. That would leave me so much more satisfied than any great tasting meal ever could.b

Progress

2010-04-16T08:11:00.005+02:00

We've had a lot to chew on in the last few months and a big list of things to do for Cooper. We are slowly making our way through them. As the English saying goes, the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Here is what we have been up to.

We have visited three possible schools for Cooper and he even got to particpate in two of them for a few hours, and have decided on one for Cooper to attend in the fall. We will go to an autism clinic in Munich this summer which will hopefully be able to provide some autism specific therapy. Also in the next months we are going to bump his regular therapy up to 3 times per week. We are going to start the GFCF diet soon after the baby is born(more on that in another post coming up).

I mentioned in a previous post that there is a special therapy that is somewhat new and has great results with autistic kids. This is called ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) Therapy. Peter and I attended a workshop this past weekend geared towards teaching Parents how to help their kids and introducing the basic principles of this therapy. It was an expensive workshop, but very much worth it. The therapy is fantastic and I can totally see Cooper responding really well to the techniques. Unfortunately, this therapy is not covered by the state or any insurance in Bavaria (other parts of Germany are starting to offer some coverage) and averaging at about 9,000 euro per year it is significantly more than we can afford right now. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have finances stand in the way of getting potentially life changing treatment for your child. But I guess this is a situation that a lot of parents have to deal with.

In the meantime, we are going to appeal to the Bavarian government and our insurance company. It surely can't hurt and with other families in Bavaria currently attempting as well, the more people that request the more likely it will be covered in the future. We are already starting to implement some of the things we learned at the conference, but our attempts are clumsy at best with the little knowledge we have.

If you have actually read this far, I am really impressed and thankful. I would imagine this is all unexciting, boring stuff to most, but it is the center of our lives at the moment. Pray for us to continue to be perserverent in this fight to help Cooper. It's not cancer, but it is so real for us right now. Many parents lose their kids to terminal illnesses. Autism is not a terminal illness, but many parents "lose" their kids to autism in another way. We don't want that to happen to Cooper or our family. We feel lucky that Cooper is not on the severe side of the huge spectrum of Autism. Pray that God helps us to make the right decisions and that He would make the right therapies available to us. Finally, pray for families struggling with autism in general. The workshop we went to was sold out, packed full of parents and therapists who have it much worse than we do, all looking for answers and ways to bring their children back from whatever world they feel the need to escape to.

Thanks for following our journey.

Our 3 Year Old

2010-03-22T16:10:00.003+01:00

It is about time that I got around to posting about Cooper's birthday, which was nearly 3 months ago (can I really be that behind?).

We started his celebration at a place called Lollihop, which is an indoor play area. He and his two girlfriends, E and G had a great time. I was amazed at how good he was at climbing and jumping and sliding through all of the play things. He got to play in giant ball pits, ride on a train, drive a little electric car with Papa, climb and crawl through a giant maze, ride a play helicopter, jump on those big blow up bouncy things and on some trampolines as well. Aunt Tina came, too, and I was so happy to have someone else other than my pregnant self there to chase Cooper around. He tasted his first slushy, but wasn't a big fan. So, mom had to finish it for him. These are the sacrifices I am willing to make for my sweet boy! A trip to McDonald's for dinner on the way home was an added treat since there was no chance that Cooper would make it all the way home before falling fast asleep.

The next day, Peter's parents (Oma and Opa), Peter's sister (Aunt Tina), and Peter's Grandmother (Tik Tak Oma) came to our house and we enjoyed some cake and sang Happy Birthday to Cooper again.

Cooper, you are such a joy at 3. We are having a great time being your parents and watching you grow. You are the sweetest, most handsome, and tallest 3 year old we know. We can't even remember what life was like before we had you! We love you so much!

2 New Accomplishments!

2010-03-07T10:08:00.003+01:00

Cooper's timing is always amazing to me. Always at times when I am struggling with his slow development, he suprises me. Last night consisted of 2 new firsts for Cooper.

The first was that he learned to drink from a cup. For some reason he has been afraid to drink from a cup, although he has no problem drinking from a sippy cup, water bottle, or a straw. But he just would not drink out of a cup. Peter decided that he was going to tackle this yesterday and while he held Cooper still, I tilted the cup. Cooper put up quite a fight, and then he realized that what was in the cup is the same apple juice that he always drinks. And that was it. Now he drinks like a big boy. We cheered and clapped for him and gave him gummy bears between sips, and he knew that he was doing something big. He had the sweetest proud smile on his face. In fact, he drank so much enjoying his new skill that Peter decided to move on to the next thing.

Peter put Cooper on the potty right after leaving the dinner table. Cooper has had much experience at this point sitting on the potty, but he has never done anything other than play. But with all the juice, Peter felt that something was bound to come out. And lo and behold, something came out. A great big stinky on the potty! We all cheered and clapped and made a big deal out of it. We talked all about the stinky and then let Cooper flush and wave "Bye, Bye" to the stinky. It was really funny. And earlier today, Peter got Cooper to go "tee tee" on the potty. Potty training will take quite a while with Cooper, but we were happy to have made this big step forward.

And who did it all? Papa did.

I'm Back

2010-03-05T12:08:00.003+01:00

OK, I'm back. I am done with the pity party and have rejoined the real world again. Judging from the butt imprints on the sofa, I would say I have done enough sitting and wallowing in all the unknowns of life.

First off, the results from the clinic. After a lengthy and thorough testing period, the doctors and therapists at the clinic believe that Cooper has autism. I know. It is that "A" word that I didn't want to hear or face. But as we all know at this point, it is not a huge surprise. Just disheartening and yes, it hurts. But I am putting all that aside for the time being because the label doesn't matter. What matters is that we now have lots of options to consider that could help Cooper. And that is what this is all about. Figuring out how best to help Cooper.

I mentioned in the last post that we have a lot of work to do. And although overwhelming at first, we are slowly digesting all the information and sifting through it all to determine what we think is best for Cooper. Here are the main points to come out of this:

1. Even Integrative Kindergarten (with 10 normal kids, 5 kids who need more help, 2 teachers and an assistant) may be too much for Cooper. He could function in a setting with this many kids, but it is questionable if he would be able to filter and focus enough to actually learn. There is another school about 30 minutes away from us with smaller groups, more trained therapists on hand, and specialized therapy opportunities (such as music therapy, swimming, working with animals, etc.) where Cooper could have a better chance at learning all the things he is supposed to learn in Kindergarten and have more therapy integrated. However, this school is even harder to get into and we don't know yet if there are normal kids there as well, which is really important to Peter and I.

2. Cooper could benefit from a type of therapy called ABA Therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis). This is not very widely offered and we only know of 2 places, both between 45 minutes and an hour away. From what we have seen on the internet, this therapy usually isn't covered by insurance and in the US it can cost upwards of around $20,000 per year, however we don't have any idea what the costs would be in Germany. All we know is that it can be an incredibly beneficial therapy and it is specifically for autism.

3. Since there are no guarantees that Cooper will get a spot in the school mentioned above, we still have to continue in the direction of finding him a spot in an Integrative Kindergarten. There is still much work to be done on this front.

4. We need to seek out a pediatrician that has more experience with kids with autism. This wasn't discussed at the clinic as a necessity, however we do feel that it is important that the physician who treats Cooper be familiar with autism. We spent a lot of time trying to convince our current pediatrician that things weren't right with Cooper, so we would prefer to have a pediatrician that is familiar with different ways of treating Autism.

5. Perhaps the most daunting is this last step. From much research on the internet and also through a discussion that I have recently had with a friend and pediatrician back in the US, it is becoming more and more apparent that Cooper should try a special diet can have a big impact on kids with autism. This consists of three parts. The first being a treatment to rid the body of excess yeast. The second and third parts are to eliminate glutens and dairy from the diet. This is commonly referred to as a gluten free and casein (dairy) free diet or GFCF diet. This pretty much would eliminate EVERYTHING that we currently eat. Glutens are found in wheat, flour, rye, oats, bread, pasta, cereals, cookies, crackers, soups, sauces, seasonings, artificial colors, and candies. Dairy of course consists of any milk from animals (soy milk would be allowed), butter, margarine, yogurt, cheese, and ice cream among many others. From what I have read, people who are on a GFCF diet usually need to take vitamin supplements to ensure that they are getting the calcium and nutrients they need, however many vitamins contain either gluten or dairy so we would need to seek out the right vitamins as well. Cooper would be allowed to have most fruits, vegetables, potatoes, rice, and I am not really sure yet what else. Obviously this will take a lot more research before we are ready to take this on, but all the information leads us to believe that it wouldn't be fair to Cooper not to try. It's just hilarious to think about Peter and I having anything to do with a strict, regimented diet. (STRICT?REGIMENTED? I'm not sure I have ever used those words in my entire life. Certainly not pertaining to food!)

So, you can see how all this has had me wallowing in self-pity on the couch with nothing but glutens, dairy products, and google keeping me company. I just needed a moment. But I am back. I truly believe we can do this, and if nothing else Cooper deserves our best efforts. It feels good to have a game plan and to be moving forward. Sure I have some scary thoughts, and I will share those over time. For now though, I am armed with a mother's love for this wonderful little boy and we will do whatever it takes to give him every opportunity possible.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go have a bunch of bread and some ice cream. We have to get rid of this stuff . . . for Cooper, of course! :)

Feeling of the Day

2010-03-04T09:45:00.000+01:00

The feeling of the day is . . . . deflated.

Maybe I should call it the feeling of the hour, since my feelings seem to be all over the board at the moment. We finished up at the Vogtareuth clinic on Tuesday. The doctor was great, and we were also joined by one of the therapists (Cooper's favorite one as a matter of fact) for a very lengthy discussion about the results and next steps. And in the end, I just feel deflated.

Wishing things were different. Wishing I didn't feel guilty for wishing that. Wishing I knew all the answers. Wishing I didn't have to ask these questions in the first place. Wishing my German were better so that I could do a better job fighting for Cooper. Wishing I had done more things before now. Wishing my mom were here and that I had some other close people around. Wishing that instead of being so deflated trying to catch tears, I was tackling all the ways that I can be helping Cooper. Wishing I could see into the future.

My head is so full trying to process everything at the moment that I feel like the image you see looking into a funhouse mirror where your forehead is all stretched. I think that Peter and I are both exhausted at the moment, and the irony is that we are only at the beginning of this journey.

We have a long list of things to do now that will take up a lot of our time, and with only 9 weeks (9 WEEKS!!) to go before the next member of our family arrives and Peter's work as busy as ever, there is no time to waste and no rest for the weary. I'll update later with more specific details about the results, but for now we just need time to process and time to figure out what is best for Cooper and for our family.

I am praying for lifted spirits, renewed energy and perserverance for Peter and I, and that things fall into place quickly. And in the midst thanking God for the constant (albeit sometimes painful) reminder through rolls, stretches, and kicks that a healthy baby continues to grow in my belly.

Cooper at the Clinic

2010-02-25T08:11:00.000+01:00

Last week was our first week at a special diagnostic clinic in Vogtareuth, Germany (close to Rosenheim). This isn't the autism clinic in Munich that Cooper will go to this summer, but another one that is required to obtain admission to an integrative kindergarten for the fall. The overall assessment at this clinic lasts 12 business days. So, we have the rest of this week and half of next week to go.

On our first day we met with a doctor whom Peter and I really liked. She spent over an hour talking to us, asking us questions, and watching Cooper play the whole time while we talked. After seeing Cooper's pediatrician many times, his two regular therapists each week, and a geneticist, it was interesting that this doctor asked us a lot of questions that no one has ever asked before. It just shows us that she is interested in Cooper and is willing to consider every avenue that might lead to some answers. Also on day 1 Cooper underwent an EEG. This is a non-invasive procedure that measures brain activity and is similar to an ECG but instead the electrodes are placed on the head in lots of spots. Cooper had to put on a funny net-like hat and then they attached wires to all of the electrodes. It looked kind of funny and scary at the same time. The plan was that Cooper would spend about 20 minutes awake laying still while they took some awake measurements, and then they would give him a sedative to send him into dreamland and take additional sleeping measurements. However, Cooper had woken up at 5 am that morning and so he fell asleep all on his own within about 5 minutes of laying still. It was actually a blessing that he didn't have to take meds to get to sleep, but we will have to redo the awake portion next week.

Here is a picture of Cooper with his funny "hat" on for the EEG:

Yawning already.

The rest of the days at the clinic have been filled with various therapy appointments. On average he gets about 4 hours of therapy per day ranging from speech, fine motor, gross motor/physical therapy, and observed play. While the therapy sessions are fun for Cooper and much like directed play, they are exhausting for him nonetheless. He is forced to try to focus and concentrate much more than on any typical day and so towards the end of the first week, I could tell it was all getting overwhelming for him. He had lots of crying fits for apparently no reason. He would scream when I could buckle him into his car seat, and this is a kid who is happy to go anywhere and loves riding in the car. He would wail and cry through dinner and at home he would alternate between getting into stuff that he shouldn't (such as the huge bottle of liquid laundry detergent) and just having meltdowns over nothing, and just being overall uncooperative. I guess having to do what other people want him to do all day results in a little boy who just wants to do what he wants at the end of the day. Between the long drives to and from the clinic each day, talking much more German everyday than I am used to, dealing with Cooper's emotional waves, and accommodating an ever growing belly and the weight and jabs and kicks that comes with it, it has been an overwhelming week for me as well.

Please pray for all of us to endure another week and for wisdom for the doctors and therapists working with Cooper. At the end we will have a meeting with the therapists and doctor again to discuss the results and see if they have any new diagnosis or treatment ideas. Ultimately, the goal with this to start with was just to fulfill the requirements for integrative kindergarten and anything more that we get out of it is just a bonus.

Snow Day 2

2010-02-23T17:39:00.002+01:00

On Sunday we had a really beautiful day here in Bavaria. The sun was shining, the skies were blue, and we knew that there would only a few more opportunities to enjoy the snow. And after our stressful week, we felt that it would be fun to head outside for some fresh air and fun in the snow. Again, Cooper enjoyed sledding with our neighbors. And the bigger boys enjoyed jumping on the snow ramp in their sleds.

Here are the photos from our wonderful morning.

Lent

2010-02-17T17:53:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I broached the subject of Lent to Peter. Note to self: Grumpy Husband = Bad Timing to Bring Up Sacrificial Offerings to the Lord. Typically, we choose something food related to give up for Lent. However, Peter has been super stressed, and he (like I) finds solace and joy in comfort foods. Therefore, this morning I brought Lent up again and suggested an alternative in that our sacrifices for Lent would be more along the actions side of life. Funny enough, I could think of all kinds of things that Peter could do/stop doing for Lent, however I was just stumped on what I could possibly change about myself. Peter didn't have a problem coming up with a few suggestions. Thus we each picked something for the other person to do/stop doing for Lent.

I won't reveal Peter's plan for Lent. Not that it is anything bad or private, but that is his offering of sacrifice. As for me, the hubs challenged me to give up sarcasm for Lent. What? No sarcasm? How am I supposed to do that? That is like telling me not to be skinny. Oh wait, I'm not skinny. OK, that is like telling me to no longer be drop dead gorgeous. Oh yeah, I'm not that either. Well, it's like telling me not to be tall. Sarcasm is a part of me. But apparently, Peter doesn't find it as enjoyable as I do. I can't imagine why.

No sarcasm for me means a lot of things. It means that when Peter in his underwear and black socks and he lets out a fart or burp, I can't look at him and say "Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right this very moment." It also means that when I am huffing and puffing from carrying laundry up and down the stairs, I can't look over at Peter and say something like "No no, dear, don't get up. I don't want you to lift a finger." Or when Peter has food on his face I can't ask him if he is saving a snack for later. Honestly, I can't figure out why Peter would ask me to give up sarcasm for Lent. My quips are a delight and never, oh no never, hurtful.

Most of all, no sarcasm means that I actually have to think before I speak. Well, that is certainly a challenge.

As a punishment for breaking his Lent vow, Peter promised that he would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. (By the way, Cooper has now decided that 5:00 is a good time to wake up in the mornings, so this is serious.) I, in turn, promised that should I let a sarcastic comment slip between these succulent lips, I would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. Peter felt that was a sarcastic comment.

I still want to give up a food item for Lent, since that just feels right to me. I keep contemplating chocolate, but if I choose that it means that I will have to consume every morsel of chocolate in the house first. And believe me, from ice cream, pudding, cookies, and an assortment of straight up chocolate (Toblerone, Milka, Hershey . . . my precious) we are loaded with such an array that, while I have no doubt in my abilities to successfully consume it all in any given day, I might never recover from the results. Such damage couldn't be reversed from 10 years of chocolate abstinence. Clearly, self-control isn't my strong suit.

I also plan to step up my prayer time for Lent. This is an area that could use huge improvement and deserves much more attention than I have been giving.

So, it is officially on for Lent. As of this moment, I am done with sarcasm till April. I will miss you, old friend.

What are you giving up or doing different for Lent?

A Letter to My Valentine

2010-02-14T08:05:00.000+01:00

One of the great things about being married is that I always have a Valentine. Unfortunately, I don't have any great gift for my Valentine or a scavenger hunt with poems for our last 10 years together like I did last year. I don't even have a card for my wonderful husband. Pregnancy, housework, jumping through hoops to get Cooper into an integrative kindergarten, and my own laziness have gotten in the way of my romantic creativity. And believe me, Peter has never deserved my love and adoration more.

All I have to offer today for my love is to dig up an excerpt from an old e-mail that I wrote to him in August of 2008. While I think that Peter and I share a great marriage, there are times in any marriage where you just feel out of sync and not at all on the same page. I tend to overthink everything and my expectations tend to spoil things for the both of us. And very much like my mother, I often have sleepless nights when my head is racing with a million thoughts. On this particular night, I was reminded of what our marriage really boiled down to (the ugly and the beautiful), and this is what I shared with my Valentine about a year and a half ago.

What is our marriage? It is having a best friend to share every experience. Knowing that however far apart we seem from one another at any moment, I am never alone. It is seeing you for the first time at the boathouse - the most breath taking handsome man I had ever seen in person. It is clinging to each other blinded by tears as you almost lost your mom and I lost mine. You pulling me aside in a Boston stairwell for our first kiss. You charming my Granny Howell, and her calling you "a hunk". My short, agitated, often hurtful tone just because we aren't on schedule or because I can't find the car keys. Watching your giant hands and arms cradle our tiny newborn son, and a smile on your face I will forever carry in a special place in my heart. Saving voice messages and leaving things around the house just as you left them when you go away on a trip, just in case those are the last indicators that I would have if you didn't make it back safely to me. The missing feeling I have when we have had to be apart, as if I were missing a part of my own flesh and bone. Moments laying together in bed, staring out the window at a blue sky and dreaming about what our life together will hold . . . and other times laying in bed together talking for hours fumbling to put feelings into words to find our way back to one another. The hurt look in your eyes when I step in to take over in moments when you want to be a daddy and to be the one to take care of Cooper. Being carried on your back all the way down a stunningly beautiful snowy mountain in the moonlight with a sprained ankle (one of the most romantic moments of my life). You going to work each day so that I can just be a wife and mom, and the little excited flutter in my stomach when I hear the car door and know that you are home. My mother reading scripture from Ruth at our wedding and her peaceful radiance on that day knowing that she was handing her daughter off to the right man. A thousand memories and moments that remind me that "for better or for worse" (and there are a lot more "for worse" moments than you bargained for) there is no one else that I would want to spend my life with.

Most days I feel like someone other than myself, someone who is much more bitter and hardened than I want to be. And most days that is the person whose voice and actions take over. But you should know that the giddy, love struck, care-free girl that you met nearly 10 years ago is still the same inside. Don't ever let her go. While the disappointments and heartaches of this earthly life have hardened her and made her almost unrecognizable, it is these same disappointments and heartaches that eventually (with time) help us to appreciate our blessings and make us who we are meant to be. I know for certain that if I lost you today, I would be overcome with regret that I didn't appreciate the blessing of your love as the precious treasure from God that it really is.

There is only one explanation for a devastatingly handsome German boy to meet and fall in love with a sensitive, silly, southern girl in smalltown, Georgia. God has an incredible plan for us and His blessings are far beyond what we deserve. My prayer tonight is that He will continue to bless our marriage, and that he will chisel away the hardened barriers that I put up; that he will break me and humble me so that I am blinded by the glorious gifts that He has given to me. I also pray that He will help me to accept the things that I can't control and the things that don't go my way and replace resentment and anger with grace, forgiveness, and love. Finally, I pray that he will continue to lead us in the directions that He chooses for us, and that he will reveal more opportunities to draw closer to one another.

I know that I am not easy to deal with, but I thank you for bearing with me and for loving me when I am impossible to love. You are mine and Cooper's (and Kayla's) hero. I love you immensely.

Placenta Brain

2010-02-14T07:54:00.003+01:00

There is a common side effect to pregnancy, which is absentmindedness. This has been a strange symptom for me that I have had both during this pregnancy and also when I was pregnant with Cooper. This morning is an example of a typical dumb thing that I am prone to do on any given day.

As I started preparing toast for Cooper this morning, I did what any normal person would do . . . opened the CD player on the counter, took out the CD (Melissa Etheridge if you were wondering) and put in a piece of whole grain toast.

Brilliant, Amy.

Snow Much Fun

2010-02-09T11:30:00.005+01:00

I know I promised snow pictures last week, but my procrastination knows no boundaries regardless of how adorable Cooper is and how much I can't wait to share our photos. I have never claimed to be an overachiever, and I don't intend to start that anytime soon or you all will have "expectations" of me and that's just not good.

So, here they are. They are mostly from here around our house but also a few of Cooper this past weekend on skis for the first time. It went well, until it didn't. We were all good for about 10 minutes or so and even got a video of Cooper going down a very small incline all by himself. And while I would love to share that with you, that is a technological level that I am just not up to yet and attempting might result in me overexerting myself and I try never to do that. It is 20 seconds of pure delight, I assure you. And after that, there was much crying and wailing and snot, all indicators that Cooper is done with skiing for this winter. But what can you expect from a not quite 3 year old.

You would probably prefer that I shut up and get on with the pics. Alrighty then:

Fasching 2010

2010-02-09T10:42:00.004+01:00

Can you stand it? Can you handle the cuteness? This is Cooper today on his way to Preschool all dressed up for Fasching which is a German holiday. In English it would be called Carnival and all the kids dress up. Cooper is a biker dude. And this tough guy loves any excuse to wear sunglasses. I realize that the earrings on each ear are a bit much, but he kept pulling them off as soon as I would put them on, and so I doubled up hoping that one would make it unnoticed for the day. Didn't happen, but my goodness. That is some cuteness right there.

Here's the tough dude again with Opa.

Ladies Man

2010-01-31T13:35:00.004+01:00

A few weeks ago, my good friend Kari needed my help watching the girls. I was so excited because 1) Cooper loves spending time with her girls E and G and 2) Kari never seems to need or ask for help so I was thrilled to be able to lend a hand to her for once.

We had a great night of playing, coloring, watching videos, eating popcorn, playing hide and seek, and even a little excercising.

Here are the little Picasso's producing their masterpieces on a giant sheet of paper.

Often Kari and I will get together and do a workout video in my living room, and the girls like to join in. At E's request, I put on "6 Round Slim Down" for them and both E and G were very excited to each have their own workout mat. As you can see, neither Cooper nor Kayla share their committment to physical fitness.

And this is what a guy looks like after spending the day with two high maintenance girls.

Random Pictures You Don't Want To See

2010-01-31T11:54:00.004+01:00

The hubs bought me a little hand held camera for Christmas to replace the one that we used to have which mysteriously broke in the hands of said hubs who claims that it most certainly was not dropped. I, for one, am still skeptical regarding series of events surrouding the camera breaking incident. Regardless, we now have a new one. And while the picture quality is not as good as my last one, I am enjoying the candid shots that we are able to capture with a smaller camera. So, here are a few terrible pictures we have taken lately.

What chu talkin' 'bout Willis?

My Cute Hubby

My cute Coopi

Proof that I am allergic to ironing.

CHEESE!

Kayla on her sofa

Morning pictures of me before shower and make-up are ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed!

But this? Surprise shower pictures of Peter are TOTALLY allowed!

But not all the pictures from this camera are terrible. Here are a couple of shots from 2 weeks ago when Cooper went sledding with the little boys next door.

Cooper is on the middle sled in the light blue jacket and red cap.

Here's a little closer with his good pal Otto in the driver's seat. They are both having a blast!

On The Mend

2010-01-31T09:03:00.009+01:00

(WARNING: The following post contains images which clearly demonstrate that I am a total and complete failure when it comes to altering any type of photographic image. However, it has been proven on many previous occasions that I have no shame so view at your own risk.)

I was determined not to write about my brutal cold, but after more than a week I am starting to feel better, and I couldn't feel more relieved. Cooper came down with a nasty sounding cough about a week and a half ago. Then, a few days later I was hit with about 2000 lbs of sinus pressure and sore throat. Over the course of the week, things got progressively worse and I ended up with Laryngitis, crazy sinus issues, and a throat that was so sore and swollen it felt as if I was breathing through a straw. Being prego and all means that girlfriend here ain't allowed any serious medication.

Peter took Cooper and I to the doctor on Tuesday in the hopes of some relief. You know that great feeling when you are sick, finally go to the doctor and that doctor prescribes you hefty doses of wonderful meds? Then you rush to the pharmacy to fill those prescriptions because you can't take another minute of misery, scurry home and curl up in bed with the drugs that bring the promise of clear nasal passages and an end to coughing up your toenails. Yeah, well I didn't get that.

Germany is the land of homeopathic medical practices, so I was instructed to breathe in some steam, drink some herbal tea, and maybe even suck on a sage throat lozenge when the situation is really dire. All of which, I was already doing. Cooper didn't fare any better either. So, instead of the whole scurry home scenario, we all scurried to McD's for some comfort food and hit the grocery store for popsicles and ice cream. Now that is my form of homeopathy!

I must say that this guy here makes a great nurse.

Oops, that isn't quite right. Let's try that again:
Well, that's a little better if we can overlook the fact that Peter the hunky doctor is missing a neck. But seriously, the sweet hubs took wonderful care of me, staying home from work, and putting Cooper to bed at night. I really got lots of time to rest and am thrilled to finally be getting better.

A few days ago, though, Peter started in with his own symptoms and just the thought of all the great drugs that he could partake in was like living out a fantasy. I swear, talk of pharmaceuticals could have been an aphrodisiac! Just mention things like Tylenol PM (oh my), Nyquil (yes, that's good), Sudafed (that's really hot), and Mucinex (don't stop), and suddenly I am like Meg Ryan in that diner in When Harry Met Sally. That is how badly I was craving cold medicine.

Hey, maybe making it through all this without medication means that I am ready for natural child birth without an epidural!

Just kidding. I would never even think of something so ridiculous. I mean, that's just crazy talk!

Hope you all are healthy or at least heavily medicated.

Movin' On Up

2010-01-29T09:04:00.004+01:00

This past spring I ran into a little issue with Cooper after he discovered that he could crawl out of his crib on his own. A skill to be expected from a 2 year old, and at that time most parents derive that their little one is ready to move up to a big kid bed. The problem was that Cooper didn't understand at the time what we meant when we would tell him that he had to stay in his bed. Our bedtime routine, which had always been pleasant, successful, and relatively short, was getting longer and longer. On average we were spending about an hour reading, rocking, and singing till our little guy was sleepy enough to lay down. Then we would put him in his crib and leave the room. That was his cue to climb on out and party, party, party! It would take at least another hour of repeatedly putting him back in his crib before he would finally fall asleep. Each night we would count the number of times we had to put him back in bed, and each night that number climbed higher. We reached an average of over 60 times in the evening and Peter and I were just worn down. To make matters worse, he would than wake up at some point in the middle of the night and the whole thing would ensue again. I found it easier to spend about an hour rocking him back to sleep than 2 hours chasing him back to bed.

Then we did some research, and had my Aunt Brenda bring this peace of heaven with her from the States.

Ahhh . . . the crib tent. It was the answer to all our prayers and sleepy time woes. It worked perfectly and Cooper just loved it. In fact, when I would go to wake him up in the mornings and unzip his tent, he would stand up, re-zip it and fall back down into his bed to enjoy more sleepy time.

When we found out we were expecting baby #2, we knew that we would have to make the transition soon. Plus, our tall little boy would soon be much to long to stretch out in his crib. So, just after Christmas we brought in the big boy bed. Here's Cooper's new bed, and it even has a tent!

We didn't know what to expect with this transition, but given our previous experience we were prepared for a battle at night. Surprisingly, it was so much easier than we ever thought. Proof that our last attempt was only unsuccessful because Cooper wasn't ready yet.

The first night he cried and was a little scared. After a few tries, I put him back in his crib. The second night he was content for about 20 minutes and then got scared again. Peter soothed him and left him in his big bed. Then he climbed out and Peter and I traded off putting him back in. It was only a few times over the course of an hour, but he finally fell asleep in the new bed. Each night got better, and I have to credit Peter for really taking over the project and getting Cooper accustomed to the new arrangement. Each night got shorter and shorter, and after just a couple weeks, he goes to bed like a champ and typically does not get out of bed at all anymore. Nap times didn't happen for a while, and Cooper would just stay awake. However, he now goes down easy for naps as well.

I would love to show you an adorable picture of my sweet little angel soundly sleeping in his new big boy bed, however we have a very strict policy in this house that we fully adhere to at all times. It is called "DO NOT WAKE IT!!"

We are so happy the transition was as easy as it was. I didn't want to write about it too soon and jinx it. We are now one step closer to welcoming the new baby into our home with an empty crib!

It's Time to Check-In

2010-01-13T12:41:00.002+01:00

That's the e-mail I received today from Delta. You see, I have this whole screwy system with my flights between the US and Germany. Since I moved here from the US, I of course bought a round trip ticket with the return as far out as I could book it which is 6 months. Therefore, after 6 months, every time I would use my return flight to the US I would have to book another flight to get myself and Cooper back to Germany. And since round trip tickets are significantly cheaper than one-way (I will never understand that logic), I would end up with another flight back to the US every 6 months. While this cycle has been an expensive one to maintain, it has done wonders for my psyche always knowing when I would get to return home to Georgia.

The last trip to Augusta in October required yet another purchase of a ticket. I booked the round-trip (because again . . . it's cheaper) and scheduled the return for a time when I knew it would still be safe for me to fly considering the pregnancy. At the time, I knew that unless there was a major event or need, I would not be using that return trip to Augusta. I was fine with that. I really didn't give it a whole lot of thought, until last weekend. Peter, Cooper, and I were in the car on a Saturday morning and I just had a bluesy feeling that I couldn't shake. The best way I could describe it to Peter was that I felt as if there was something I was supposed to be doing, but I couldn't remember what it was. Turns out, that something was preparing for a trip back home that I wouldn't actually take. And this leaves me with the uneasy feeling of not knowing when I will go back. Ick.

You would think that I would have enough to look forward to what with the baby coming in May and possible visitors within a few months after that. But that trip back home was always my security blanket and now I don't have that anymore.

On the bright side, we are covered in snow here and I don't have to shovel a single bit of it this winter! And there is another great accomplishment in our household which I will write about later.

Just know that I am missing all my homies and hope that you all are having a wonderful start to the New Year!

A Tragic Predicament

2010-01-06T16:00:00.003+01:00

It is a tragedy in a Southerner's life when sweet tea, cheddar cheese, and grits are uncommon luxury items only to be enjoyed once every few months when I'm lucky. Can I get an AMEN?

Today I have all three. It's a good day.

And Cooper just had his 4th massive stinky diaper of the day and I haven't changed a single one. It is a very good day, indeed.

Amen.

Christmas 2009 Photos

2009-12-29T14:23:00.008+01:00

You know, I wish I was one of those creative blog writers who always has great titles for their blog posts. After racking my brain for a whole 28 seconds (I didn't want to overexert myself and pull something) "Christmas 2009 Photos" was really the best that I could do. I would like to say that I will do better in 2010, but I don't like making promises I can't keep.

Besides all the food and eating that we did around here during the Merry Season, we got a visit from the Christkind.

That little baby brought lots of goodies for our not so little baby. There is the Miele playkitchen and off to the right you can see a little part of a new play house for Cooper. That was a big hit. I got a new digital camera which is smaller and more portable than my big Canon. Peter got the Wii Active, however the Christkind didn't know that TVs are different in this country so the Wii Active bought in Europe won't play on the Sony Flatscreen bought in the US. You didn't hear it from me, but that Christkind isn't the brightest. Since the Wii Active (which was going to be the answer to the entire Claus family's weight loss goals) will have to be returned, we can no longer be held responsible or accountable for achieving a healthy weight. Luckily, after hearing about the Wii Active debacle, the Christkind has promised to puchase another one in the US as soon as feasible. Peter also got a shiny new highly ergonomic snow shovel which will sure make snow shoveling an enjoyable endeavor for Pete this winter. Peter's dad received a gift that he has been talking about for quite some time. The Christkind threatened to give the gift to someone more deserving if Opa didn't get up and do a happy dance. I am proud to announce that Opa can still shake his groove thang! I do believe the Christkindwas quite pleased with his display of appreciation.

Somehow the Christkind made a trip by Aunt Christina's house to pick up the sheets she made for Cooper's new bed. They are just adorable!
The next day (Christmas Day 25th) we finally got around to taking a couple of pregnancy pictures. Here I am at 21 weeks (5 months). We are halfway through the pregnancy!

Christina so lovingly pointed out that it appears I have a sparkly nipple in the first picture. Sorry if that is disturbing for some of you.

And finally, here is a photo of Oma, Opa, Cooper and Papa. Everyone looks happy!
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas as well. We are gearing up to have some friends over for New Year's Eve. We wish everyone joy, love, peace and prosperity for 2010. As they say in Germany, "Guten Rutsch!", or a good slide into the New Year!

Pre-Christmas Photos

2009-12-29T14:09:00.003+01:00

Hi there! In case you have been feeling a little sad that there haven't been any new pictures of Cooper on the blog, I thought I would brighten your day. First up are some pre-Christmas photos that I took whilst procrastinating on getting the house clean.

This is Cooper with a Santa hat we snagged from Oma's house. He just loved to put it on at any given moment in the day.

Kayla can only sit back and watch. She knows that kid ain't got it on right.

And then my mother in law says that men can't multi-task. But she just doesn't know what Cooper is capable of. Here he is fully accessorized getting a little holiday shopping done.

Bursting

2009-12-25T20:43:00.003+01:00

They came, they ate, they slept, and they ate some more.

All of my preparations really paid off. Christmas was enjoyable and more relaxing than I ever thought it would be. We have eaten and eaten and then we ate and then we had a little snack and then we decided to eat and then guess what we did next. I'll update with the actual Christmas events and pictures later, but all I can say is that my stomach is so tight I might go into premature labor just because the baby has no more room in there for all the food in my growing stomach.

It's hard to imagine that I will ever be hungry again.

Christmas Food

2009-12-22T13:24:00.003+01:00

On to a more lighter (emotionally, not calorically) side. Is calorically even a word? It is now! This post is mainly about my second favorite topic: FOOD!!

I have sort of made it my Christmas and Advent goal to try to do things ahead of time and not scramble at the last minute. Peter's family is coming to us again for Christmas and I am very excited. It does mean a little extra work and I want to make things special, so I tend to sweat a little when the action is taking place and usually the days leading up to it.

My work aheadedness (apparently, I am all about making up my own words today) began with my desire to have American Christmas Cookies available at all times this season and create little baggies for our friends around here so that they can enjoy the goodness of yummy cookie-ism. (I'm sorry, I just can't seem to stop with the new words.) I came up with the ingenius plan to make several batches of different cookie doughs one day and separate it all into parts to freeze or store in the fridge. In one day I made the following doughs: oatmeal cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and sugar cookies. I also made some chocolate covered peanut butter balls, which my mom used to make when we were little and I thought that would be all nostalgic and fun and add a little something extra to those cookie baggies. Now, it was a lot of work for one afternoon, but the results were basically slice and bake cookies anytime I wanted them. And last night at 9:00 pm when I had to make cookies for Cooper's class today, I sure was glad that I only had to slice, bake, and frost. This whole plan worked perfectly and I will do this every year from henceforth! Highly recommend it.

I did my best to complete all Christmas shopping as early as possible and after buying the last gift in Munich on Monday, I am all done. AND . . . all gifts are wrapped!

And you know that crazy trip to the grocery store where you are praying you don't forget anything because it is the last day they will be open before Christmas? OK, I know they are open like all the time in the States, so just humor me here. I am always that person scrambling at the store and then getting home and realizing I have forgotten like 27 items that I needed. Well, that ain't me this year. I have already grocery shopped and I have checked all my recipes twice to make sure I didn't forget anything. I will make two items this evening that can be prepared ahead to take away a little of the stress of the big day.

Ya'll, I am just so proud of my procrastinating self that I don't know what to do. Yay me! Of course there is the matter of cleaning the house, which I am sorry to say hasn't really fallen into my work ahead plan. But, it will get done!

So, here is the menu for the Claus family Christmas gathering (remember, we do all the celebratin' and church goin' and eatin' and present openin' on Christmas Eve around these parts). Don't know why I have to get all country at the moment. Back to the menu:

Christmas Eve Lunch:
- Sausage and Leek Soup (this is a make ahead, freeze, and heat up the day of deal)
- Fresh Baguettes from the Bakery
- Assortment of Christmas cookies and coffee (remember those cookies already made?)

Christmas Eve Dinner:
- Honey and Thyme Brined Turkey Breast
- Crock Pot Macaroni and Cheese (this is thrown into the crock pot and is ready in 4 hours - super easy!)
- Garlic Mashed Potatoes
- Roasted Carrots
- Green Beans
- Rolls

Christmas Eve Desserts:
- Homemade Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream or Whipped Cream
- Pumpkin Cheesecake (a classic Christmas recipe for Peter and I and it is in the oven right now!)

Christmas Day Breakfast:
- Homemade Quiche
- Cinnamon Roll-Ups (from the Masters cookbook - also a make ahead item)
- Fresh Fruit Salad
- Coffee and Juice

I am looking forward to all the celebrations and hopefully not being terribly stressed this year. I am sure my time will be filled with work nonetheless, but I will keep in mind how much more crazy it could be if I didn't work ahead.

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

Cooper's Therapy Update

2009-12-15T17:50:00.000+01:00

(Note: This post was written exactly 1 week ago on the day of our meeting described below. Don't worry, I am a little less psycho now. Must be the pregnancy hormones!)

I love reading blogs. Blogs of friends and family that I know and also blogs of total strangers that I will never meet. It is natural I think for those who write blogs about our families to want to portray our best sides, how happy we are, how adorable our kids are, all the fun things we do and that is all great and true. To a point. But the reality is that life throws us curve balls and often times those curve balls really knock us on our butts. The reality is that life is hard and we all have struggles and things that don't paint such pretty pictures. I think it is important to sometimes share those things, too.

Today we had a meeting with Cooper's therapists here in Germany. I have talked some on this blog about Cooper's delays in development, and for those who don't know, Cooper goes to therapy two times every week for some physical therapy and something similar to occupational therapy. Going into this meeting I had some questions for them, and this being the first time that we have had this sort of meeting now that they have spent considerable time with our little man, I was anxious to really get their professional opinions about what is going on with Coop. As these types of meetings typically go, we started with all the positives: how Cooper has improved with development and understanding, concepts that he is grasping, good signs that they see, etc. Next, as with the typical flow of these types of meetings go, we had to discuss the areas of concern, problems that they see, and then of course what the next steps are in treatment and therapy should be.

Now, I know my little boy inside and out. Nothing that was said in our meeting was any great surprise, but that doesn't make it feel any better. We have known since right around 9 months of age, that something just wasn't right. And even though they didn't tell me anything that we haven't already thought and talked about ourselves, at the end of our meeting I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach way too many times.

It is believed that Cooper will not be ready for a regular Kindergarten class next year, but should instead go to an Integrative Kindergarten for children that have special needs.

Punch.

We have seen kids like Cooper in the past, and it is not possible to predict for you what his long-term outcome will be because the spectrum is so broad. That spectrum being some who grow up with signs similar to mental retardation to kids who function OK in normal schools and settings with their peers but who always seem to have something a little off or some difficulties. (The glaring absence of a description of a completely normal kid who functions well in school did not go unnoticed by Peter or I.)

Punch.

It is recommended that Cooper go to a center in Munich for more extensive diagnostic testing. This center specializes in Autism.

Punch.

While he shows some signs that indicate that he may not have Autism, he shows many signs that are typical of Autism.

Punch.

At the end of the meeting, I was glad that Cooper went into his 45 minute physical therapy session and I had that time to walk outside in the cold air and just breathe and think. We've always known in the back of our minds everything they told us. But I always hoped that Cooper's delays were temporary. That once he got a little older to comprehend what other kids were doing, he would kick into gear and catch up.

Maybe he is Autistic. Maybe he isn't. Maybe, as a couple of therapists in Augusta figured, he has Sensory Processing Disorder. Maybe he doesn't. We really don't know for sure. And what if he does? Does it matter? Does it change anything? Yes. And no. On one hand it would be great to finally have a name for something that we see everyday and others dismiss and blow off and minimalize. It would be nice to know that there is a reason for why Cooper doesn't pick things up as quickly as other kids. Maybe if there is a name to it, we will be eligible for more treatment options.

But there is the other side as well. It is one thing, for me personally, to say to people "my child is a little behind" or "my child develops a little slower than other kids." It is another thing to say "my child has autism". It doesn't matter how severe or slight Cooper's case may be. People have a preconceived notion in their heads about Autism. I know I do, and it isn't what I want for my child. Sensory Processing Disorder was a little easier to swallow since I had never heard of it and neither had most other people, although the treatments and symptoms for that are nearly the same as for Autism. There is no shame for me if Cooper were to be Autistic, but I would be lying if I said that there wasn't disappointment and sadness.

I want my kid to be normal. I think most parents who are honest with themselves would say the same thing. What is "normal:? Does it matter if your kid is "normal"? Yes, it does matter. No one wants their kid to feel different. No one wants their child to struggle in school or in life. We imagine our children growing up, playing, exploring, active in sports activities, suffering teenage heartbreak, finding love, getting married, hopefully having their own children. Can Cooper do all of these things? Absolutely. Can Cooper still one day be normal? Sure. Is there a possibility that Cooper is extraordinary? No matter the outcome he most certainly is. But right now and for as long as we could see his developments, he is not normal.

It could be a lot worse. This isn't cancer or leukemia or any terminal illness. There are parents out there with much larger battles to face than this. There are kids out there with struggles that make them grow up way too quickly and know about pain and suffering that no child should ever be able to comprehend. We are lucky.

Still, I have had a lump in my throat ever since our meeting today (it is after 3 in the morning now). I don't know why I am so consumed and emotional about this, but I do attribute a lot of it to pregnancy hormones. I read to Cooper tonight and then sang to him and rocked him to sleep, enjoying the weight of my sweet growing boy getting heavier in my arms and looking at his beautiful face. All of these thoughts just keep cycling in my head, and every cycle comes down to this:

It matters, but it doesn't matter. He is still the same little boy that he was yesterday. He is still smiling at me with that grin with spaces between every tooth. He still sits at the table with his chin sweetly rested on his hands, elbows on the table. He still does his happy dance popping his knees high in the air and squealing when he is really excited. He still loves chocolate and gummy bears. He still has the cutest little butt I have ever laid eyes on. He still loves to snuggle and be held. He still would prefer to sit in my lap facing me on the sofa with his face inches from mine and make funny faces rather than sit next to me watching TV. He still loves Curious George and Little Einsteins. He still loves for me to rub his back and stroke his cheeks. He still adores reading books. He is still completely obsessed with washing machines and helicopters. He still laughs at Kayla and loves to chase her.

He is the same boy with or without Autism. And how his Papa and I love him can't be changed by a name or label. He is Cooper and normal or not, God created him perfectly for us.

Having said all that, it is OK still to say this hurts. It is OK to say this sucks. It is OK to wonder why it has to be this way and to sometimes wonder what God is doing and doesn't he know we've been through enough? I know it will all be fine. My head and my faith tells me it will, but my heart just hurts right now and the tears keep coming. And that is just life sometimes. Not always the pretty picture we want, but I guess you have to endure the rain to be able to see the rainbows. Our rainbow rises every morning around 7 and he shines bright and colorful and happy all day long.

Approaching Advent

2009-11-27T13:44:00.005+01:00

The first Advent is this Sunday, and every home in Germany has some variation of an Advent Wreath or a collection of 4 candles that they burn. I really love this tradition and each year, my Advent Wreath is the Christmas decoration that I splurge a little on. A beautiful Advent Wreath is just the thing that sparks my excitement for the Christmas Season and gets me looking forward to spending time with family and celebrating Christ's birth.

So, here is a picture of my Advent Wreath for this year. Typically, I am very traditional and only want red decorations on my wreath, but this one just caught my eye.

One thing that drove me crazy in the beginning (but I am learning to adjust) is how you burn the candles on the Advent Wreath. The first candle is lit on the first Advent Sunday and for that week, you only burn one candle. Do you know the self restraint it takes for me to only light one candle? Then on the second Advent Sunday, you light two candles and those two candles burn that week. I think you get what happens on the third Advent Sunday. Finally on the fourth Advent Sunday, you get to light all four candles.

Clearly, I did not make the Advent Wreath myself, however I did make the wreath for our front door myself. It isn't quite as professional as the one above, but I am quite proud of it. The only thing I didn't do is bind the pine needle clippings to the wreath base, which I actually did do myself last year. Both our Advent Wreath and Front Door Wreath are real needles, which I think is so neat. Of course, that would not be an option in Augusta climate since the things would dry up and turn brown in about 2 days.

Are you getting into the Christmas spirit yet? I would love to see pics of your decorations and hear about your favorite Christmas traditions.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-24T12:40:00.000+01:00

I am so excited this year for Christmas, that I just had to go ahead and change the background of the blog. However, that doesn't mean that I am just passing over Thanksgiving. I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for. Here's my top 10 in no particular order:

1. God paired me with a wonderful husband who tolerates my sarcasm and knows my sighs. He knows which sighs mean to get out of bed to turn out the lights, which sighs mean that I am thirsty and want him to get me something to drink, and which sighs mean that I want him to bring me some ice cream. And he does it. I'm a lucky girl.

2. We live in a central part of Europe that has allowed us to see some really beautiful parts of this continent and travel with ease.

3. We also live close enough to Peter's parents and sister which gives Cooper the opportunity to get to know his grandparents and aunt. They all love Cooper and Kayla as much as we do (and given Kayla's rancid gas, that isn't easy!).

4. We have a roof over our head and more room (and stuff, way too much stuff) under that roof than we really need.

5. We have 2 trouble free cars (knock on wood).

6. We have the most loving family and friends in Georgia who call us, e-mail us, care enough for us to come visit if they are able, and are always willing to put up with us for extended periods when we come to visit.

7. Living in Germany this time around, I have some comforts that I didn't have the first time around. I have American TV at the touch of my fingertips which just gives me that comfort of sitting down at the end of the day with Peter and kicking back at home watching our favorite shows. More importantly, I have a great American supportive friend who lives nearby that I can go to when I need help finding things here, when I need to gripe about living in a foreign country, or when I just need a friend to talk about nothing. These things help make my time here less isolating.

8. Despite many instances that my precious boy could have seriously gotten hurt or killed, he is still here, happy and healthy. Each night before I put Cooper in his bed, I wrap my arms around him, stick my nose in his neck, and just take him in. So often it is in this moment that I know just how precious he is and my heart feels like it will explode with love for him. I know that I am lucky to have another day with him.

9. We have more than enough food, and as ya'll know, I love me some food. I can't imagine what it must be like for those mothers who have to look into the eyes of their hungry children and are not able to fill their bellies.

10. God has considered us fit enough parents to bless us with another baby. We are creating a new life, which is the greatest miracle ever.

There is so much more that I am thankful for, but you know me and all the words. I am trying to keep things short enough for all two of you that actually read this. Ok, so I am one of those two. So what?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Hope your tables are full of turkey (oh, Mr. Loss's fried turkey, there's another craving for the week!) and lots o' fixins and pies!

What I Really Want . . . .

2009-11-22T21:08:00.002+01:00

is some pull and peel twizzlers.

There's one reason that I am at week 16 and haven't yet gained any weight. I am not living in the US right now.

Counting Cooper

2009-11-20T06:57:00.003+01:00

It feels good to finally have all my backlogged blog posts that I wrote about the pregnancy finally posted. Now, I can get back to my favorite subject to write about, Cooper of course. Here is a funny (insane) story and a new accomplishment.

First the accomplishment - Cooper is counting! He can count clearly from 1 through 10. It sounds something like this:

Won, Doo, Dwee, Fow, Fie, Sick, Sege, Ade, Nigh, Te

And his sweet little voice just curves up as he said each number and number 10 is usually said with excitement. It is so sweet. Now he doesn't count any object except sometimes the stairs as we go up, and he doesn't recognize numbers, so he doesn't really get what the counting is all about but the fact that he remembers words in a sequence and says them on his own is such a huge thing for us! Now, I still would love to hear him call for mommy when he wants me or say juice when he is thirsty, but we are still trying to stay optimistic about the baby steps here. COUNTING!!!!

Now to the story. Last week, Cooper was in the basement.

(Side note: The basement is also our entry area into our house and another big room with the washing machine and large cabinets for tools and such.)

Cooper spends a great deal of time in the basement by himself because as anyone who knows Cooper well, knows that there is a magnetic attraction and borderline obsession between Cooper and a front loading washing machine and dryer. My little curious monkey can literally hang out in the basement for an hour or more completely happy to his heart's content. Anyway, he was down there as usual and it was getting close to dinner time, plus it was pretty quiet down there so I decided to go down and bring him up. When I opened the door to the washroom, my eyes must have popped out of my head. There was Cooper, dancing around, laughing, arms waving and thrashing wildly overhead, with a large item in one hand.

Just what was that item, you ask?

A . . . SAW!!!!

Um, yeah. That's not such a great toy. While a picture would have been nice, I felt it more appropriate to scream frantically and take the dangerous weapon away from my 2 year old crazy kid before he gauged his head wide open or cut off one of his adorable appendages. Because clearly I am all about good parenting here.

I believe it was Peter's mother who said that Cooper has several guardian angels watching out for him to have made it this far. Sounds about right to me. Hey, how come I don't read in other parents' and friends' blogs about their kids running alone down the street, standing in the window sill of the third story open window, and playing with heavy construction equipment? Oh, I guess that's just me.

Pregnancy Update - 15 weeks

2009-11-20T06:54:00.001+01:00

It is certainly time for an update on our little Gummy Bear in there. I did go to the Doctor (I think that was at about 8 weeks), and everything checked out fine with the baby. One interesting thing on the ultrasound was TWO amnio sacs. Luckily, only one baby. It appears that it started out early on with possibly 2 babies, but for whatever reason one didn't develop. The doctor said it shouldn't cause any problems and most likely my body would just absorb that other sac or it would come out on its own. (Sorry if that is too much info) Another check-up 2 weeks later and all looked normal with the baby continuing to do well.

Now we are up to 15 weeks, and so far this baby has already travelled to the US and visited Disney World, as well as Salzburg with Christina and Dwayne and Oktoberfest in Munich. A world travelor at the tender age of - embryo. I am feeling pretty good, but still often tired especially in the evenings. I have had one more ultrasound since the last post and all looked good.

The sex of the baby will remain top secret material until he or she is born. Actually, only I will be privvy to that information since Peter is adamant that he wants to be surprised. This will be a very hard thing for me as I am not known to be the best keeper of secrets or surprises, but I am determined to let Peter have the experience he wants to have from this. So, no pressure from you all. My lips are sealed. Well, right now it is pretty easy since I don't know yet and probably won't find out myself until the next scan around Christmas.

Having said all that, I definitely have a very strong feeling that this is another boy. I am starting to see some belly poking out, and it seems to be sitting right where Cooper was which is typical for boys. And other than that, just a feeling. I am happy with whatever comes as long as he or she is healthy.

Today, I am craving Chinese again. And it is only 10am, with no chinese restaurants here.

Cravings

2009-11-20T06:51:00.000+01:00

This pregnancy has been very different from the first one with Cooper. I am much more sick feeling and have cravings which I didn't have with Cooper. Except that one time that I went to the store for butter, just butter, and came out with a dozen donuts, a bag of smarties, and no butter. But that was only once. This time I have had very specific cravings.

A couple of weeks ago, I wanted white sandwich bread. That just doesn't exist here. You know, the really soft, stick to the top of your mouth, spongey, cloud-like white bread that makes peanut butter and jelly perfection. What I really wanted was tuna salad on that white bread. I settled for a french crusty bread that is soft in the middle, and my friend, Kari, came over to make a batch of tuna salad for me. Just because I wanted to eat it doesn't mean that I can stomach making it. The tuna salad was delicious. I had it that day for lunch, dinner, and even a small snack in between. Then I woke up in the middle of the night with major nausea. After a while I went downstairs to watch TV as a destraction. Wouldn't you know it, there is now a tuna commercial advertising lemon pepper tuna. I thought I would upchuck all over myself. And that has been the end of tuna. Tuna, you are now dead to me.

Then, our friends Christina and Dwayne came over and brought with them some Zax sauce. Random, I know, but there is no secret that I have a love affair with Zaxby's. Well, of course, that sparked a craving for some chicken fingers. Again, not a commodity that one will find in Germany (are we noticing a pattern?). So, my sweet hubby went out, bought some supplies, and made me chicken fingers himself. They weren't Zaxby's, but they were actually pretty good.

While Peter was in London last week, I decided that I wanted chocolate cupcakes. So, I made them. I ate 2, and threw 16 away. I was so over the chocolate cupcake thing.

The next week, I wanted Mexican food. Not just Mexican, but specifically cheese dip and refried beans. Ya'll, I never eat refried beans. But that is what I wanted. I planned to meet my friend Kelly later that week for lunch and when she mentioned Mexican, I nearly yelled into the phone how perfect that was and I think I scared her a little. She called me the next day to say that the Mexican place isn't open for lunch, but she made us a great Mexican themed salad and while it wasn't cheese dip and beans, it was really good. (Note: She sent me the attached picture later of Cooper. This is him going head to head with the curtain, and surprisingly the curtain is still standing. I had my doubts.)

Then there is the hankering for Chinese. Again, not here or at least not anywhere within 30 miles and not American Chinese. Specifically, Sho Chin. Ok, Sho Chin's Sesame Chicken with fried rice, some vegetable lo mein, and the sweet tea that is always so good at a Chinese establishment. I'm torturing myself here.

I am excited about my trip to the US in October to be able to easily fulfill all of my craving whims. However, it is highly possible that while I am there, I may just get an inkling for a German pretzel or some schnitzel. We'll see.

At 7.5 weeks, I am still feeling sick. In fact, it is 1:26 in the morning as I type this. The nausea is there in the morning and definitely has an impact on the quality of breakfast that I am able to make for Cooper. It softens mid morning which is the only time that I am going to get something done, if it will happen at all. After a light lunch, indigestion sets in and I burp my way through the afternoon while the nausea rears its ugly head and gets its most feisty just before bed.

Yes, did I mention that I don't make the most pleasant pregnant person? Feel free to offer Peter some words of support as he tries to cope.

6 Weeks

2009-11-20T06:39:00.000+01:00

So, according to online calculations, I should be at about 6 weeks now. My doctor's appointment is another 2 weeks out, so I will know more specifics then and also know if everything is A-OK in there. After finding out last Sunday, I was feeling great and just convinced that this pregnancy was going to be a breeze. I started working in the yard that morning and tore it up all day out there.

Then, a few days later it hit. And it hit hard. The nausea. Now, I remember my pregnancy with Cooper. I said it then, and I will say it now. I am not a good pregnant woman. I do believe that the birth of a child is a miracle. And I am honored and thankful that I am one of those people that seems to be able to have a baby quite easily with healthy delivery and all that. I think pregnant women are so adorable. But that is where the rainbows and roses end. I don't like being sick, I don't like gaining weight, I don't like not sleeping, I don't like peeing all the time, I despise indigestion. All these women who say they love being pregnant . . . I envy them. Yes, it is an incredible feeling when you can feel your baby move inside your belly, but for me it was always really uncomfortable, kind of like I ate something bad or have a nervous stomach.

Still, I am so excited and happy to be on this journey and that God made it happen. Looking forward to the end of this first trimester!

Here We Go Again

2009-11-19T09:19:00.000+01:00

(Originally written 9/18/09)

So, I am writing this, but not going to post it for a while yet. These things need time. Time to enjoy something just as a family. And, of course, time to make sure that nothing unexpected happens. But in the meantime, until we make it public, I didn't want to miss out writing about this experience.

We are expecting a baby!

We set out to expand our family, and it was much quicker than we ever thought it would be. Peter's reaction, "Man, I'm good!" I was more expecting a hug, a kiss, a squeal of excitement, and maybe some flowers for the mother-to-be or a special dinner. But instead, "Man, I'm good" and then off to breakfast in his underwear. What can I say? He is the man I married and the father of my children. Oh yeah, and I guess the love of my life.

We officially found out with a positive test on Sunday morning, August 30, although I suspected during my stay in Augusta earlier that month. I am excited and feeling really good. From the online calculations, Cooper will be a big brother in early May!

The Rest of Our Time in Augusta

2009-11-12T13:57:00.005+01:00

Before our trip to Augusta, I was so excited for Christina (Peter's sister) to arrive at our house. She was going to help me on the flight over with Cooper and join us at Disney. Man, it was so nice to have her on that plane and just have someone else take over entertaining my little monster for a few hours. Even more so, it felt good to have someone recognize what a journey that trip is with Cooper and gear in tow. She said it before we left and also in the Paris airport that she could not imagine how I can do it by myself. As mom's we all know that we just do what we have to do and hope that we make it out alive, but it sure does feel good to hear somebody recognize those challenges. Thank you so much, Christina, for all your help. Every meal that I didn't have to feed Cooper, every diaper I didn't have to change, every bath I didn't have to give was such a relief for me. You are so greatly appreciated!

Another highlight for me in Augusta (and also for Christina) was shopping with my Aunt Brenda. This woman is bargain shopper extraordinaire. She can find the good stuff, she can find the deals, and she always has a coupon for everything. The only hard part is getting her to stop spoiling me! But so much better than all the deals and great stuff we walked away with, was the feeling of being around my Aunt Brenda. She has so many characteristics of my mother that it is often like having a piece of her again with me. I feel so cared for with her, and she makes me feel like walking around countless hours with me and spending time with Cooper are her favorite things to do. I think she makes everybody feel that way. What other people would find to be huge sacrifices, she finds to be complete joy. There aren't many people who can make you feel that way, but my mom and Aunt Brenda are two of them.

What else did we do? Playgrounds, play dates, ate a lot, held fresh new babies, visited old friends, had a girls dinner out, ate amazing foods, hugged people we love, spoke lots of English, helped my dad move, held my precious nephew, ate tasty food, relaxed at my sister-in-law's parent's lakehouse, attended a pirate party in lederhosen, had family portraits . . . oh, and did I mention the food? It all made me so darn happy that it was really hard to come back. I don't know if my heart will ever be able to call Germany home. It just so loves the South!

A huge highlight of my trip was being present for Samuel's baptism. Sam is my incredible little nephew and it was such an honor to be up there holding him during this holy sacrament. And the biggest honor of all? Peter and I being asked to be Sam's Godparents. Huge deal for us!!!! I love Alan and April to death, and it sounds weird to say, but I adore Sam so much and just feel like he belongs to me in some way. And now he really does. Thank you guys so much for choosing us. We are thrilled and promise to be there for Sam as he grows and experiences life.

Gosh, that's it. I will be posting a few more things in the next week that you really won't want to miss. So, keep checking in!

Cooper does Disney

2009-11-09T15:19:00.005+01:00

Our week at Disney was really great. The house was exactly as we had hoped, with great features, really close to the parks, and a perfect fit for all 3 families. We had a wonderful time with the Vasquez and Sosebee families, enjoyed some outlet shopping, and of course, had a memorable time in the parks.

And it never fails, a trip to the US with Cooper is always an accident waiting to happen. This one occurred within 25 minutes of our first day in the park. As Cooper broke into an excited run coming out of Mickey Mouse's House, he tripped and fell headfirst into the curb. It was a bloody sight at first, and two thoughts ran into my mind . . . 1. My poor baby! and 2. Our pictures are going to be ruined! I know, not the most reasonable thought, but whatever. We rushed Cooper to first aid, they verified that he did not have a concussion (funny, that didn't enter my mind rather than our gorgeous family photos), applied ice, some Motrin, and after about 20minutes, the little guy was smiling again. Granted he had what we dubbed as the "unicorn horn", which he would proudly sport for the rest of the week, but he was smiling. The boy sure knows how to make memories! After an air-conditioned lunch, we were ready to continue attacking the park.

Since we had limited tickets into the park and three families to divide them between for the week, it soon became clear that we would need a schedule. Let me paint a little picture here for those who were not in the living room for this particular conversation. As soon as the thought of a schedule was formulated into words, Peter started squirming in his seat, breathing hard, and breaking out in a cold sweat. His agitation over this lasted for a good 2.5 days, and it was only after much prodding and heated discussion, that I was able to come to the realization that the "schedule" had in that very instant absolutely ruined Peter's vacation. Now this may sound a little over reactive to some, but Peter was dead serious about this. I finally got it out of Peter that he finds the idea of a schedule on vacation absolutely repulsive, robbing the fun out of everything. While he accepted the need for said schedule and despite the fact that the Claus family had a few days with nothing planned on the schedule, Peter was completely convinced that all chances of relaxing were off now that things were on paper.

I hate to break it to anyone who is not yet married with kids, but life after marriage and kids is the end of spontaneity. Deal with it.

After it was all said and done, in our 7 days in Orlando, we went into the Disney parks for 3 half days, Peter played golf twice and took multiple naps, I went to the outlet mall 2 afternoons, and we saw Cirque du Soleil one evening. And sadly for Peter, in the end, he still stands by his opinion that he did not have enough down time. Down time for Peter is sitting on the couch Ted Bundy style with his hand in his pants, and if that is what he needed, then we could have saved over a thousand dollars and sat in my aunt Brenda's living room in front of the big screen all dang day. Somehow, I think that pictures of Cooper marveling at It's a Small World with a unicorn horn trump pics of Peter asleep on the couch, but what do I know?

Anywho, here's the pics!

My Cooper

2009-10-05T14:52:00.002+02:00

Cooper has been making some great improvements. He is still a long ways off from other kids his age, which sometimes seems to be exaggerated by his size. He is getting so big and suddenly looking so much older to me. He looks more like a 4 year old than the 2.5 year old that he really is. He is so tall and is growing out of his 3T clothes, rapidly moving on to 4T's. His face is that of a miniature Peter, and I often have to laugh at the characteristics they share. They both sit at the kitchen table with their chin resting on their hands, they both let out the occasional loud, deep sigh (I call them both "sighers"), and they both laugh when they fart.

He is now getting so much more coordinated. He is a talented climber and is running faster and faster. Still my little bookworm, I love to find him in his rocking chair reading books and almost every day I go into his room to find nearly the entire contents of his bookcase emptied all over the floor. The little guys loves music and sings lots of melodies (and sometimes even gets a word or two right or at least the right consonant sounds), loves to strum a guitar, and blow on his flute. I got him a little drum set a few months ago and he loves to pull up the tiny stool to sit, grab the sticks, beat the bass with his foot and bang away on the drums and cymbal. He is even starting to take interest in puzzles and will look to see where the shape or color goes rather than randomly placing.

He understands so much more now, which helps me to talk to him more. He recognizes questions and much of the time will answer a question with a "no" or an adorable 2 syllable "ja". He doesn't always answer appropriately, but at least he is saying something. He is finally getting the hang of saying "hello" and "bye-bye" while actually looking at the person. He consistently uses the words "open", "all done", and "down" in the right situations. And he responds to things we tell him to do, such as sit here, shoes on, stand up, put this in the trash, bring me the ball, give me a kiss, open the door, etc. While he has never been one for tantrums, he definitely understands now when we say no to something and he will drop to the floor on his hands and knees, put his forehead to the ground over his hands, and stick his little booty up in the air. He may not be happy, but it is so cute. These little things may not sound so impressive for a child nearing 3 years old, but they are big accomplishments for our little guy.

Hands down, the most endearing attribute of Cooper is his happy personality. He is always smiling and is so easy going. He never gets upset when another kid takes away his toy, he just looks for a new one. He wins over every guest that walks into our house with his curiosity, big smiles, and funny walks around the room. He loves to put on other people's hats and sunglasses and "see" experience the world in a new way. Whether it is a 10 hour flight, 6 hour drive, long day touring a new city, or hiking mountains, our sweet boy is along for the ride with juice, snack, and a smile. He is without a doubt the most precious thing in our lives and we are so blessed to have such a sweet boy reminding us each day of what is important.

I can't wait for you all to see him again and see all the changes, and my goodness, see how he has grown! We will be heading to Augusta on Wednesday of this week and then to Disney World on Saturday. I can't believe it is time already. I am so excited to spend time with friends and family back home and for Cooper to spread the joy to you. See you soon!

Do You Need A Laugh?

2009-10-05T14:19:00.002+02:00

So, BooMama just posted this video and it made me laugh out loud as I sat here alone, which is a true testament. I hope you enjoy all 5 octaves as much as I did.

Let me point out a few hilarious details:
1. Is it just me, or does he look like he is going to cry partway through?
2. Oh no, he isn't going to cry. He's just constipated.
3. Are those bird noises?
4. And holding that last note . . . genius.

The Sweetest Sound

2009-09-26T08:42:00.003+02:00

So, Cooper has been making some big strides, which I will write about later. But for now a little tidbit that went on at the breakfast table yesterday morning. As I was sitting with Cooper having breakfast, I turned to the side and sneezed. My non-speaking son said to me, "Bless You." Ya'll, it melted my heart and made me so incredibly proud and happy.

Preschool

2009-09-21T17:06:00.004+02:00

Today was Cooper's first day of preschool. He did absolutely wonderful. He ran in straight to the play kitchen. Came back and hugged Mommy's legs and ran back to the kitchen again. Then I told him Mommy was going bye-bye and he gave me a kiss and I left. He ran to me when I came to pick him up and was all smiles.

Here is that big boy!