Missing Mom and Pondering Motherhood

A baby definitely puts a new twist on a marriage. Especially for two people that have been alone together for over 8 years. I just can't seem to loosen up, and I am definitely not the same person I was before baby. I don't know how this couldn't change a person. It is just such a huge, overwhelming responsibility. This isn't a house plant, or even a dog. This is a human being, and I can't help but feel that every single encounter I have with him is going to shape who he is going to be and also his perception of me.

In the middle of all the stress and chaos is an amazing little boy. A beautiful mixture of myself and Peter, who is so innocent and untainted by the world. It sounds so cliché, but he is so pure. From the moment he was born and he cried when he came out, he was instantly soothed the second he was placed in my arms. It has been that way ever since. No matter what is going on, he is just happy to be in my arms. He looks at me and Peter and smiles and just thinks that we are the most important, greatest things in the world. I want for him to learn important things like love, giving, kindness, comfort, friendship and family from me. And it is heartbreaking to know that he will also at some point learn disappointment, anger, and hurt from me. I will disappoint him countless times in his life.

Sitting in church this past Sunday, I suddenly understood a tiny bit what my mom must have felt towards the end of her life. I want Cooper and Peter to want and need me so badly. I like to think that they wouldn't function or survive without me, but I know that is simply not the case. How horrible it must be not only to feel that your children and husband don't need you anymore, but even worse, that their lives would be better without you. I'll never understand exactly why my mom did what she did. When it all happened I couldn't understand why she didn't love me enough to stay. Why she didn't think that seeing her grandchildren would be reason enough to endure all the hardships. I still feel that way, but now I also know that I would be willing to die if it meant that Cooper's life would be better.

Dude, what a downer of a blog!