Lilly's Story - Escalation from Worried to Terrified

Once the doctor decided to move Lilly to another hospital, everyone started moving fast. A special ambulance for babies was called to transport Lilly to the Schwabing Klinik in Munich. Peter and I went to pack all of our belongings. I had to have a final exam from the doctor and get release to leave the hospital early. All this time I am keeping myself calm and optimistic. I kept telling myself it was something small and it would be taken care of soon. It wasn’t until we went to say good-bye to Lilly before they loaded her into the ambulance that my resolve to be relaxed started crumbling to the ground. The tears starting flooding and ironically enough, the only thing I had in my hands to catch them was a tiny pair of baby socks.

Here is a picture of the ambulance workers and all their gear coming to take Lilly away. Sorry they are a bit blurry, all we had was Peter's blackberry at the moment.

We drove to the hospital, which for me was such a long drive filled with worry and disbelief that this was all happening. When we arrived, Lilly was put onto the premie ward, and the doctors began their examination. They asked us to leave the room in order to get a stool sample from Lilly, and shortly thereafter a doctor came into the waiting room to inform us that they were concerned by blood in her stool and would be transferring her immediately to the intensive care unit. They also found sepsis which is a very serious infection in her blood. The whole time I kept wondering how everything had gone so wrong so quickly. This was supposed to be a wonderful and happy time for us.

In intensive care, the doctors let us know that they were going to have to take some ultrasounds to see what might be going on. The ultrasounds showed some air bubbles in Lilly’s intestines, but nothing really conclusive. They suspected that Lilly might have a perforation in some part of her intestines, or that perforation might be about to occur. They planned to watch her that evening and do more ultrasounds to see if the bubbles moved outside of the intestines. If it was as they thought, she would have to undergo surgery.

We hadn’t eaten anything since early that morning, so we left to grab a bite to eat, and then returned to the hospital again. I knew that I would need access to a breast pump, but it seemed crazy to think about having to get up and come to the hospital to pump in the middle of the night. Peter got one of the doctors to write a prescription for a rental pump and he got on the phone and started calling pharmacies in the area to find a pharmacy who was not only open after hours, but that also had a pump on hand. I can’t even begin to explain all the ways that Peter has amazed me in this whole event, but his determination to find a pump for me was just the start of many incredible things that Peter would do for me over the course of the next days. I have never seen a person respond under pressure the way my wonderful husband does.

That night in the hotel was an inner battle for me. A battle of emotions, a battle of feelings and talks with God, a battle to stay optimistic, and a battle to take care of all the postpartum needs that a woman has to do for her body after having a baby. Having to wake up a few times in the night to pump was frustrating. I didn’t have milk yet (the pumping was required to get my body to produce milk as if I had a nursing baby), and the thought of putting my body through all this in the uncertainty of whether Lilly would ever need it was hurtful. I had an aunt coming in less than a week with suitcases of pink dresses and onesies and a pink and brown diaper bag with Lilly’s initials embroidered on it. What if we never needed those things? What if my aunt was coming over for a funeral rather than a celebration? I weeped and sobbed and prayed and begged God to help Lilly and to help the doctors.

In the wee hours of the morning, I talked with Peter about God’s will. When bad things happen to people, I typically come to two possible conclusions. Either God is punishing them or God has chosen them for something special. I don’t think that God is punishing us. Peter and I are good people. But I felt anger at this moment that it seems as if there are so many dishonest and terrible people in this world who have everything: wealth, happiness, and a normal family with healthy children. What had we done to deserve this? And the other alternative would be that He has chosen us. And quite frankly, at this moment I didn’t want to be chosen. I know it is wrong to say, but it is how I felt. God, this hurts too much. Please don’t use me in this way. But it isn’t our choice and it isn’t our will, is it? God’s plans often don’t feel good.

Here are some pictures from the ICU that first day (Sunday). They ended up putting Lilly on a ventilator, not because she couldn't breathe on her own, but as a precaution because she was receiving so much pain medication.

More about Lilly's stay in the ICU coming soon.