It is about time that I got around to posting about Cooper's birthday, which was nearly 3 months ago (can I really be that behind?).
We started his celebration at a place called Lollihop, which is an indoor play area. He and his two girlfriends, E and G had a great time. I was amazed at how good he was at climbing and jumping and sliding through all of the play things. He got to play in giant ball pits, ride on a train, drive a little electric car with Papa, climb and crawl through a giant maze, ride a play helicopter, jump on those big blow up bouncy things and on some trampolines as well. Aunt Tina came, too, and I was so happy to have someone else other than my pregnant self there to chase Cooper around. He tasted his first slushy, but wasn't a big fan. So, mom had to finish it for him. These are the sacrifices I am willing to make for my sweet boy! A trip to McDonald's for dinner on the way home was an added treat since there was no chance that Cooper would make it all the way home before falling fast asleep.
The next day, Peter's parents (Oma and Opa), Peter's sister (Aunt Tina), and Peter's Grandmother (Tik Tak Oma) came to our house and we enjoyed some cake and sang Happy Birthday to Cooper again.
Cooper, you are such a joy at 3. We are having a great time being your parents and watching you grow. You are the sweetest, most handsome, and tallest 3 year old we know. We can't even remember what life was like before we had you! We love you so much!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
2 New Accomplishments!
Cooper's timing is always amazing to me. Always at times when I am struggling with his slow development, he suprises me. Last night consisted of 2 new firsts for Cooper.
The first was that he learned to drink from a cup. For some reason he has been afraid to drink from a cup, although he has no problem drinking from a sippy cup, water bottle, or a straw. But he just would not drink out of a cup. Peter decided that he was going to tackle this yesterday and while he held Cooper still, I tilted the cup. Cooper put up quite a fight, and then he realized that what was in the cup is the same apple juice that he always drinks. And that was it. Now he drinks like a big boy. We cheered and clapped for him and gave him gummy bears between sips, and he knew that he was doing something big. He had the sweetest proud smile on his face. In fact, he drank so much enjoying his new skill that Peter decided to move on to the next thing.
Peter put Cooper on the potty right after leaving the dinner table. Cooper has had much experience at this point sitting on the potty, but he has never done anything other than play. But with all the juice, Peter felt that something was bound to come out. And lo and behold, something came out. A great big stinky on the potty! We all cheered and clapped and made a big deal out of it. We talked all about the stinky and then let Cooper flush and wave "Bye, Bye" to the stinky. It was really funny. And earlier today, Peter got Cooper to go "tee tee" on the potty. Potty training will take quite a while with Cooper, but we were happy to have made this big step forward.
And who did it all? Papa did.
The first was that he learned to drink from a cup. For some reason he has been afraid to drink from a cup, although he has no problem drinking from a sippy cup, water bottle, or a straw. But he just would not drink out of a cup. Peter decided that he was going to tackle this yesterday and while he held Cooper still, I tilted the cup. Cooper put up quite a fight, and then he realized that what was in the cup is the same apple juice that he always drinks. And that was it. Now he drinks like a big boy. We cheered and clapped for him and gave him gummy bears between sips, and he knew that he was doing something big. He had the sweetest proud smile on his face. In fact, he drank so much enjoying his new skill that Peter decided to move on to the next thing.
Peter put Cooper on the potty right after leaving the dinner table. Cooper has had much experience at this point sitting on the potty, but he has never done anything other than play. But with all the juice, Peter felt that something was bound to come out. And lo and behold, something came out. A great big stinky on the potty! We all cheered and clapped and made a big deal out of it. We talked all about the stinky and then let Cooper flush and wave "Bye, Bye" to the stinky. It was really funny. And earlier today, Peter got Cooper to go "tee tee" on the potty. Potty training will take quite a while with Cooper, but we were happy to have made this big step forward.
And who did it all? Papa did.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I'm Back
OK, I'm back. I am done with the pity party and have rejoined the real world again. Judging from the butt imprints on the sofa, I would say I have done enough sitting and wallowing in all the unknowns of life.
First off, the results from the clinic. After a lengthy and thorough testing period, the doctors and therapists at the clinic believe that Cooper has autism. I know. It is that "A" word that I didn't want to hear or face. But as we all know at this point, it is not a huge surprise. Just disheartening and yes, it hurts. But I am putting all that aside for the time being because the label doesn't matter. What matters is that we now have lots of options to consider that could help Cooper. And that is what this is all about. Figuring out how best to help Cooper.
I mentioned in the last post that we have a lot of work to do. And although overwhelming at first, we are slowly digesting all the information and sifting through it all to determine what we think is best for Cooper. Here are the main points to come out of this:
1. Even Integrative Kindergarten (with 10 normal kids, 5 kids who need more help, 2 teachers and an assistant) may be too much for Cooper. He could function in a setting with this many kids, but it is questionable if he would be able to filter and focus enough to actually learn. There is another school about 30 minutes away from us with smaller groups, more trained therapists on hand, and specialized therapy opportunities (such as music therapy, swimming, working with animals, etc.) where Cooper could have a better chance at learning all the things he is supposed to learn in Kindergarten and have more therapy integrated. However, this school is even harder to get into and we don't know yet if there are normal kids there as well, which is really important to Peter and I.
2. Cooper could benefit from a type of therapy called ABA Therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis). This is not very widely offered and we only know of 2 places, both between 45 minutes and an hour away. From what we have seen on the internet, this therapy usually isn't covered by insurance and in the US it can cost upwards of around $20,000 per year, however we don't have any idea what the costs would be in Germany. All we know is that it can be an incredibly beneficial therapy and it is specifically for autism.
3. Since there are no guarantees that Cooper will get a spot in the school mentioned above, we still have to continue in the direction of finding him a spot in an Integrative Kindergarten. There is still much work to be done on this front.
4. We need to seek out a pediatrician that has more experience with kids with autism. This wasn't discussed at the clinic as a necessity, however we do feel that it is important that the physician who treats Cooper be familiar with autism. We spent a lot of time trying to convince our current pediatrician that things weren't right with Cooper, so we would prefer to have a pediatrician that is familiar with different ways of treating Autism.
5. Perhaps the most daunting is this last step. From much research on the internet and also through a discussion that I have recently had with a friend and pediatrician back in the US, it is becoming more and more apparent that Cooper should try a special diet can have a big impact on kids with autism. This consists of three parts. The first being a treatment to rid the body of excess yeast. The second and third parts are to eliminate glutens and dairy from the diet. This is commonly referred to as a gluten free and casein (dairy) free diet or GFCF diet. This pretty much would eliminate EVERYTHING that we currently eat. Glutens are found in wheat, flour, rye, oats, bread, pasta, cereals, cookies, crackers, soups, sauces, seasonings, artificial colors, and candies. Dairy of course consists of any milk from animals (soy milk would be allowed), butter, margarine, yogurt, cheese, and ice cream among many others. From what I have read, people who are on a GFCF diet usually need to take vitamin supplements to ensure that they are getting the calcium and nutrients they need, however many vitamins contain either gluten or dairy so we would need to seek out the right vitamins as well. Cooper would be allowed to have most fruits, vegetables, potatoes, rice, and I am not really sure yet what else. Obviously this will take a lot more research before we are ready to take this on, but all the information leads us to believe that it wouldn't be fair to Cooper not to try. It's just hilarious to think about Peter and I having anything to do with a strict, regimented diet. (STRICT?REGIMENTED? I'm not sure I have ever used those words in my entire life. Certainly not pertaining to food!)
So, you can see how all this has had me wallowing in self-pity on the couch with nothing but glutens, dairy products, and google keeping me company. I just needed a moment. But I am back. I truly believe we can do this, and if nothing else Cooper deserves our best efforts. It feels good to have a game plan and to be moving forward. Sure I have some scary thoughts, and I will share those over time. For now though, I am armed with a mother's love for this wonderful little boy and we will do whatever it takes to give him every opportunity possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go have a bunch of bread and some ice cream. We have to get rid of this stuff . . . for Cooper, of course! :)
First off, the results from the clinic. After a lengthy and thorough testing period, the doctors and therapists at the clinic believe that Cooper has autism. I know. It is that "A" word that I didn't want to hear or face. But as we all know at this point, it is not a huge surprise. Just disheartening and yes, it hurts. But I am putting all that aside for the time being because the label doesn't matter. What matters is that we now have lots of options to consider that could help Cooper. And that is what this is all about. Figuring out how best to help Cooper.
I mentioned in the last post that we have a lot of work to do. And although overwhelming at first, we are slowly digesting all the information and sifting through it all to determine what we think is best for Cooper. Here are the main points to come out of this:
1. Even Integrative Kindergarten (with 10 normal kids, 5 kids who need more help, 2 teachers and an assistant) may be too much for Cooper. He could function in a setting with this many kids, but it is questionable if he would be able to filter and focus enough to actually learn. There is another school about 30 minutes away from us with smaller groups, more trained therapists on hand, and specialized therapy opportunities (such as music therapy, swimming, working with animals, etc.) where Cooper could have a better chance at learning all the things he is supposed to learn in Kindergarten and have more therapy integrated. However, this school is even harder to get into and we don't know yet if there are normal kids there as well, which is really important to Peter and I.
2. Cooper could benefit from a type of therapy called ABA Therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis). This is not very widely offered and we only know of 2 places, both between 45 minutes and an hour away. From what we have seen on the internet, this therapy usually isn't covered by insurance and in the US it can cost upwards of around $20,000 per year, however we don't have any idea what the costs would be in Germany. All we know is that it can be an incredibly beneficial therapy and it is specifically for autism.
3. Since there are no guarantees that Cooper will get a spot in the school mentioned above, we still have to continue in the direction of finding him a spot in an Integrative Kindergarten. There is still much work to be done on this front.
4. We need to seek out a pediatrician that has more experience with kids with autism. This wasn't discussed at the clinic as a necessity, however we do feel that it is important that the physician who treats Cooper be familiar with autism. We spent a lot of time trying to convince our current pediatrician that things weren't right with Cooper, so we would prefer to have a pediatrician that is familiar with different ways of treating Autism.
5. Perhaps the most daunting is this last step. From much research on the internet and also through a discussion that I have recently had with a friend and pediatrician back in the US, it is becoming more and more apparent that Cooper should try a special diet can have a big impact on kids with autism. This consists of three parts. The first being a treatment to rid the body of excess yeast. The second and third parts are to eliminate glutens and dairy from the diet. This is commonly referred to as a gluten free and casein (dairy) free diet or GFCF diet. This pretty much would eliminate EVERYTHING that we currently eat. Glutens are found in wheat, flour, rye, oats, bread, pasta, cereals, cookies, crackers, soups, sauces, seasonings, artificial colors, and candies. Dairy of course consists of any milk from animals (soy milk would be allowed), butter, margarine, yogurt, cheese, and ice cream among many others. From what I have read, people who are on a GFCF diet usually need to take vitamin supplements to ensure that they are getting the calcium and nutrients they need, however many vitamins contain either gluten or dairy so we would need to seek out the right vitamins as well. Cooper would be allowed to have most fruits, vegetables, potatoes, rice, and I am not really sure yet what else. Obviously this will take a lot more research before we are ready to take this on, but all the information leads us to believe that it wouldn't be fair to Cooper not to try. It's just hilarious to think about Peter and I having anything to do with a strict, regimented diet. (STRICT?REGIMENTED? I'm not sure I have ever used those words in my entire life. Certainly not pertaining to food!)
So, you can see how all this has had me wallowing in self-pity on the couch with nothing but glutens, dairy products, and google keeping me company. I just needed a moment. But I am back. I truly believe we can do this, and if nothing else Cooper deserves our best efforts. It feels good to have a game plan and to be moving forward. Sure I have some scary thoughts, and I will share those over time. For now though, I am armed with a mother's love for this wonderful little boy and we will do whatever it takes to give him every opportunity possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go have a bunch of bread and some ice cream. We have to get rid of this stuff . . . for Cooper, of course! :)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Feeling of the Day
The feeling of the day is . . . . deflated.
Maybe I should call it the feeling of the hour, since my feelings seem to be all over the board at the moment. We finished up at the Vogtareuth clinic on Tuesday. The doctor was great, and we were also joined by one of the therapists (Cooper's favorite one as a matter of fact) for a very lengthy discussion about the results and next steps. And in the end, I just feel deflated.
Wishing things were different. Wishing I didn't feel guilty for wishing that. Wishing I knew all the answers. Wishing I didn't have to ask these questions in the first place. Wishing my German were better so that I could do a better job fighting for Cooper. Wishing I had done more things before now. Wishing my mom were here and that I had some other close people around. Wishing that instead of being so deflated trying to catch tears, I was tackling all the ways that I can be helping Cooper. Wishing I could see into the future.
My head is so full trying to process everything at the moment that I feel like the image you see looking into a funhouse mirror where your forehead is all stretched. I think that Peter and I are both exhausted at the moment, and the irony is that we are only at the beginning of this journey.
We have a long list of things to do now that will take up a lot of our time, and with only 9 weeks (9 WEEKS!!) to go before the next member of our family arrives and Peter's work as busy as ever, there is no time to waste and no rest for the weary. I'll update later with more specific details about the results, but for now we just need time to process and time to figure out what is best for Cooper and for our family.
I am praying for lifted spirits, renewed energy and perserverance for Peter and I, and that things fall into place quickly. And in the midst thanking God for the constant (albeit sometimes painful) reminder through rolls, stretches, and kicks that a healthy baby continues to grow in my belly.
Maybe I should call it the feeling of the hour, since my feelings seem to be all over the board at the moment. We finished up at the Vogtareuth clinic on Tuesday. The doctor was great, and we were also joined by one of the therapists (Cooper's favorite one as a matter of fact) for a very lengthy discussion about the results and next steps. And in the end, I just feel deflated.
Wishing things were different. Wishing I didn't feel guilty for wishing that. Wishing I knew all the answers. Wishing I didn't have to ask these questions in the first place. Wishing my German were better so that I could do a better job fighting for Cooper. Wishing I had done more things before now. Wishing my mom were here and that I had some other close people around. Wishing that instead of being so deflated trying to catch tears, I was tackling all the ways that I can be helping Cooper. Wishing I could see into the future.
My head is so full trying to process everything at the moment that I feel like the image you see looking into a funhouse mirror where your forehead is all stretched. I think that Peter and I are both exhausted at the moment, and the irony is that we are only at the beginning of this journey.
We have a long list of things to do now that will take up a lot of our time, and with only 9 weeks (9 WEEKS!!) to go before the next member of our family arrives and Peter's work as busy as ever, there is no time to waste and no rest for the weary. I'll update later with more specific details about the results, but for now we just need time to process and time to figure out what is best for Cooper and for our family.
I am praying for lifted spirits, renewed energy and perserverance for Peter and I, and that things fall into place quickly. And in the midst thanking God for the constant (albeit sometimes painful) reminder through rolls, stretches, and kicks that a healthy baby continues to grow in my belly.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Cooper at the Clinic
Last week was our first week at a special diagnostic clinic in Vogtareuth, Germany (close to Rosenheim). This isn't the autism clinic in Munich that Cooper will go to this summer, but another one that is required to obtain admission to an integrative kindergarten for the fall. The overall assessment at this clinic lasts 12 business days. So, we have the rest of this week and half of next week to go.
On our first day we met with a doctor whom Peter and I really liked. She spent over an hour talking to us, asking us questions, and watching Cooper play the whole time while we talked. After seeing Cooper's pediatrician many times, his two regular therapists each week, and a geneticist, it was interesting that this doctor asked us a lot of questions that no one has ever asked before. It just shows us that she is interested in Cooper and is willing to consider every avenue that might lead to some answers. Also on day 1 Cooper underwent an EEG. This is a non-invasive procedure that measures brain activity and is similar to an ECG but instead the electrodes are placed on the head in lots of spots. Cooper had to put on a funny net-like hat and then they attached wires to all of the electrodes. It looked kind of funny and scary at the same time. The plan was that Cooper would spend about 20 minutes awake laying still while they took some awake measurements, and then they would give him a sedative to send him into dreamland and take additional sleeping measurements. However, Cooper had woken up at 5 am that morning and so he fell asleep all on his own within about 5 minutes of laying still. It was actually a blessing that he didn't have to take meds to get to sleep, but we will have to redo the awake portion next week.
Here is a picture of Cooper with his funny "hat" on for the EEG:
Yawning already.
The rest of the days at the clinic have been filled with various therapy appointments. On average he gets about 4 hours of therapy per day ranging from speech, fine motor, gross motor/physical therapy, and observed play. While the therapy sessions are fun for Cooper and much like directed play, they are exhausting for him nonetheless. He is forced to try to focus and concentrate much more than on any typical day and so towards the end of the first week, I could tell it was all getting overwhelming for him. He had lots of crying fits for apparently no reason. He would scream when I could buckle him into his car seat, and this is a kid who is happy to go anywhere and loves riding in the car. He would wail and cry through dinner and at home he would alternate between getting into stuff that he shouldn't (such as the huge bottle of liquid laundry detergent) and just having meltdowns over nothing, and just being overall uncooperative. I guess having to do what other people want him to do all day results in a little boy who just wants to do what he wants at the end of the day. Between the long drives to and from the clinic each day, talking much more German everyday than I am used to, dealing with Cooper's emotional waves, and accommodating an ever growing belly and the weight and jabs and kicks that comes with it, it has been an overwhelming week for me as well.
Please pray for all of us to endure another week and for wisdom for the doctors and therapists working with Cooper. At the end we will have a meeting with the therapists and doctor again to discuss the results and see if they have any new diagnosis or treatment ideas. Ultimately, the goal with this to start with was just to fulfill the requirements for integrative kindergarten and anything more that we get out of it is just a bonus.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Snow Day 2
On Sunday we had a really beautiful day here in Bavaria. The sun was shining, the skies were blue, and we knew that there would only a few more opportunities to enjoy the snow. And after our stressful week, we felt that it would be fun to head outside for some fresh air and fun in the snow. Again, Cooper enjoyed sledding with our neighbors. And the bigger boys enjoyed jumping on the snow ramp in their sleds.
Here are the photos from our wonderful morning.
Here are the photos from our wonderful morning.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Lent
Yesterday I broached the subject of Lent to Peter. Note to self: Grumpy Husband = Bad Timing to Bring Up Sacrificial Offerings to the Lord. Typically, we choose something food related to give up for Lent. However, Peter has been super stressed, and he (like I) finds solace and joy in comfort foods. Therefore, this morning I brought Lent up again and suggested an alternative in that our sacrifices for Lent would be more along the actions side of life. Funny enough, I could think of all kinds of things that Peter could do/stop doing for Lent, however I was just stumped on what I could possibly change about myself. Peter didn't have a problem coming up with a few suggestions. Thus we each picked something for the other person to do/stop doing for Lent.
I won't reveal Peter's plan for Lent. Not that it is anything bad or private, but that is his offering of sacrifice. As for me, the hubs challenged me to give up sarcasm for Lent. What? No sarcasm? How am I supposed to do that? That is like telling me not to be skinny. Oh wait, I'm not skinny. OK, that is like telling me to no longer be drop dead gorgeous. Oh yeah, I'm not that either. Well, it's like telling me not to be tall. Sarcasm is a part of me. But apparently, Peter doesn't find it as enjoyable as I do. I can't imagine why.
No sarcasm for me means a lot of things. It means that when Peter in his underwear and black socks and he lets out a fart or burp, I can't look at him and say "Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right this very moment." It also means that when I am huffing and puffing from carrying laundry up and down the stairs, I can't look over at Peter and say something like "No no, dear, don't get up. I don't want you to lift a finger." Or when Peter has food on his face I can't ask him if he is saving a snack for later. Honestly, I can't figure out why Peter would ask me to give up sarcasm for Lent. My quips are a delight and never, oh no never, hurtful.
Most of all, no sarcasm means that I actually have to think before I speak. Well, that is certainly a challenge.
As a punishment for breaking his Lent vow, Peter promised that he would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. (By the way, Cooper has now decided that 5:00 is a good time to wake up in the mornings, so this is serious.) I, in turn, promised that should I let a sarcastic comment slip between these succulent lips, I would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. Peter felt that was a sarcastic comment.
I still want to give up a food item for Lent, since that just feels right to me. I keep contemplating chocolate, but if I choose that it means that I will have to consume every morsel of chocolate in the house first. And believe me, from ice cream, pudding, cookies, and an assortment of straight up chocolate (Toblerone, Milka, Hershey . . . my precious) we are loaded with such an array that, while I have no doubt in my abilities to successfully consume it all in any given day, I might never recover from the results. Such damage couldn't be reversed from 10 years of chocolate abstinence. Clearly, self-control isn't my strong suit.
I also plan to step up my prayer time for Lent. This is an area that could use huge improvement and deserves much more attention than I have been giving.
So, it is officially on for Lent. As of this moment, I am done with sarcasm till April. I will miss you, old friend.
What are you giving up or doing different for Lent?
I won't reveal Peter's plan for Lent. Not that it is anything bad or private, but that is his offering of sacrifice. As for me, the hubs challenged me to give up sarcasm for Lent. What? No sarcasm? How am I supposed to do that? That is like telling me not to be skinny. Oh wait, I'm not skinny. OK, that is like telling me to no longer be drop dead gorgeous. Oh yeah, I'm not that either. Well, it's like telling me not to be tall. Sarcasm is a part of me. But apparently, Peter doesn't find it as enjoyable as I do. I can't imagine why.
No sarcasm for me means a lot of things. It means that when Peter in his underwear and black socks and he lets out a fart or burp, I can't look at him and say "Honey, I have never been more attracted to you than I am right this very moment." It also means that when I am huffing and puffing from carrying laundry up and down the stairs, I can't look over at Peter and say something like "No no, dear, don't get up. I don't want you to lift a finger." Or when Peter has food on his face I can't ask him if he is saving a snack for later. Honestly, I can't figure out why Peter would ask me to give up sarcasm for Lent. My quips are a delight and never, oh no never, hurtful.
Most of all, no sarcasm means that I actually have to think before I speak. Well, that is certainly a challenge.
As a punishment for breaking his Lent vow, Peter promised that he would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. (By the way, Cooper has now decided that 5:00 is a good time to wake up in the mornings, so this is serious.) I, in turn, promised that should I let a sarcastic comment slip between these succulent lips, I would get up with Cooper and make him breakfast. Peter felt that was a sarcastic comment.
I still want to give up a food item for Lent, since that just feels right to me. I keep contemplating chocolate, but if I choose that it means that I will have to consume every morsel of chocolate in the house first. And believe me, from ice cream, pudding, cookies, and an assortment of straight up chocolate (Toblerone, Milka, Hershey . . . my precious) we are loaded with such an array that, while I have no doubt in my abilities to successfully consume it all in any given day, I might never recover from the results. Such damage couldn't be reversed from 10 years of chocolate abstinence. Clearly, self-control isn't my strong suit.
I also plan to step up my prayer time for Lent. This is an area that could use huge improvement and deserves much more attention than I have been giving.
So, it is officially on for Lent. As of this moment, I am done with sarcasm till April. I will miss you, old friend.
What are you giving up or doing different for Lent?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
A Letter to My Valentine
One of the great things about being married is that I always have a Valentine. Unfortunately, I don't have any great gift for my Valentine or a scavenger hunt with poems for our last 10 years together like I did last year. I don't even have a card for my wonderful husband. Pregnancy, housework, jumping through hoops to get Cooper into an integrative kindergarten, and my own laziness have gotten in the way of my romantic creativity. And believe me, Peter has never deserved my love and adoration more.
All I have to offer today for my love is to dig up an excerpt from an old e-mail that I wrote to him in August of 2008. While I think that Peter and I share a great marriage, there are times in any marriage where you just feel out of sync and not at all on the same page. I tend to overthink everything and my expectations tend to spoil things for the both of us. And very much like my mother, I often have sleepless nights when my head is racing with a million thoughts. On this particular night, I was reminded of what our marriage really boiled down to (the ugly and the beautiful), and this is what I shared with my Valentine about a year and a half ago.
What is our marriage? It is having a best friend to share every experience. Knowing that however far apart we seem from one another at any moment, I am never alone. It is seeing you for the first time at the boathouse - the most breath taking handsome man I had ever seen in person. It is clinging to each other blinded by tears as you almost lost your mom and I lost mine. You pulling me aside in a Boston stairwell for our first kiss. You charming my Granny Howell, and her calling you "a hunk". My short, agitated, often hurtful tone just because we aren't on schedule or because I can't find the car keys. Watching your giant hands and arms cradle our tiny newborn son, and a smile on your face I will forever carry in a special place in my heart. Saving voice messages and leaving things around the house just as you left them when you go away on a trip, just in case those are the last indicators that I would have if you didn't make it back safely to me. The missing feeling I have when we have had to be apart, as if I were missing a part of my own flesh and bone. Moments laying together in bed, staring out the window at a blue sky and dreaming about what our life together will hold . . . and other times laying in bed together talking for hours fumbling to put feelings into words to find our way back to one another. The hurt look in your eyes when I step in to take over in moments when you want to be a daddy and to be the one to take care of Cooper. Being carried on your back all the way down a stunningly beautiful snowy mountain in the moonlight with a sprained ankle (one of the most romantic moments of my life). You going to work each day so that I can just be a wife and mom, and the little excited flutter in my stomach when I hear the car door and know that you are home. My mother reading scripture from Ruth at our wedding and her peaceful radiance on that day knowing that she was handing her daughter off to the right man. A thousand memories and moments that remind me that "for better or for worse" (and there are a lot more "for worse" moments than you bargained for) there is no one else that I would want to spend my life with.
Most days I feel like someone other than myself, someone who is much more bitter and hardened than I want to be. And most days that is the person whose voice and actions take over. But you should know that the giddy, love struck, care-free girl that you met nearly 10 years ago is still the same inside. Don't ever let her go. While the disappointments and heartaches of this earthly life have hardened her and made her almost unrecognizable, it is these same disappointments and heartaches that eventually (with time) help us to appreciate our blessings and make us who we are meant to be. I know for certain that if I lost you today, I would be overcome with regret that I didn't appreciate the blessing of your love as the precious treasure from God that it really is.
There is only one explanation for a devastatingly handsome German boy to meet and fall in love with a sensitive, silly, southern girl in smalltown, Georgia. God has an incredible plan for us and His blessings are far beyond what we deserve. My prayer tonight is that He will continue to bless our marriage, and that he will chisel away the hardened barriers that I put up; that he will break me and humble me so that I am blinded by the glorious gifts that He has given to me. I also pray that He will help me to accept the things that I can't control and the things that don't go my way and replace resentment and anger with grace, forgiveness, and love. Finally, I pray that he will continue to lead us in the directions that He chooses for us, and that he will reveal more opportunities to draw closer to one another.
I know that I am not easy to deal with, but I thank you for bearing with me and for loving me when I am impossible to love. You are mine and Cooper's (and Kayla's) hero. I love you immensely.
All I have to offer today for my love is to dig up an excerpt from an old e-mail that I wrote to him in August of 2008. While I think that Peter and I share a great marriage, there are times in any marriage where you just feel out of sync and not at all on the same page. I tend to overthink everything and my expectations tend to spoil things for the both of us. And very much like my mother, I often have sleepless nights when my head is racing with a million thoughts. On this particular night, I was reminded of what our marriage really boiled down to (the ugly and the beautiful), and this is what I shared with my Valentine about a year and a half ago.
What is our marriage? It is having a best friend to share every experience. Knowing that however far apart we seem from one another at any moment, I am never alone. It is seeing you for the first time at the boathouse - the most breath taking handsome man I had ever seen in person. It is clinging to each other blinded by tears as you almost lost your mom and I lost mine. You pulling me aside in a Boston stairwell for our first kiss. You charming my Granny Howell, and her calling you "a hunk". My short, agitated, often hurtful tone just because we aren't on schedule or because I can't find the car keys. Watching your giant hands and arms cradle our tiny newborn son, and a smile on your face I will forever carry in a special place in my heart. Saving voice messages and leaving things around the house just as you left them when you go away on a trip, just in case those are the last indicators that I would have if you didn't make it back safely to me. The missing feeling I have when we have had to be apart, as if I were missing a part of my own flesh and bone. Moments laying together in bed, staring out the window at a blue sky and dreaming about what our life together will hold . . . and other times laying in bed together talking for hours fumbling to put feelings into words to find our way back to one another. The hurt look in your eyes when I step in to take over in moments when you want to be a daddy and to be the one to take care of Cooper. Being carried on your back all the way down a stunningly beautiful snowy mountain in the moonlight with a sprained ankle (one of the most romantic moments of my life). You going to work each day so that I can just be a wife and mom, and the little excited flutter in my stomach when I hear the car door and know that you are home. My mother reading scripture from Ruth at our wedding and her peaceful radiance on that day knowing that she was handing her daughter off to the right man. A thousand memories and moments that remind me that "for better or for worse" (and there are a lot more "for worse" moments than you bargained for) there is no one else that I would want to spend my life with.
Most days I feel like someone other than myself, someone who is much more bitter and hardened than I want to be. And most days that is the person whose voice and actions take over. But you should know that the giddy, love struck, care-free girl that you met nearly 10 years ago is still the same inside. Don't ever let her go. While the disappointments and heartaches of this earthly life have hardened her and made her almost unrecognizable, it is these same disappointments and heartaches that eventually (with time) help us to appreciate our blessings and make us who we are meant to be. I know for certain that if I lost you today, I would be overcome with regret that I didn't appreciate the blessing of your love as the precious treasure from God that it really is.
There is only one explanation for a devastatingly handsome German boy to meet and fall in love with a sensitive, silly, southern girl in smalltown, Georgia. God has an incredible plan for us and His blessings are far beyond what we deserve. My prayer tonight is that He will continue to bless our marriage, and that he will chisel away the hardened barriers that I put up; that he will break me and humble me so that I am blinded by the glorious gifts that He has given to me. I also pray that He will help me to accept the things that I can't control and the things that don't go my way and replace resentment and anger with grace, forgiveness, and love. Finally, I pray that he will continue to lead us in the directions that He chooses for us, and that he will reveal more opportunities to draw closer to one another.
I know that I am not easy to deal with, but I thank you for bearing with me and for loving me when I am impossible to love. You are mine and Cooper's (and Kayla's) hero. I love you immensely.
Placenta Brain
There is a common side effect to pregnancy, which is absentmindedness. This has been a strange symptom for me that I have had both during this pregnancy and also when I was pregnant with Cooper. This morning is an example of a typical dumb thing that I am prone to do on any given day.
As I started preparing toast for Cooper this morning, I did what any normal person would do . . . opened the CD player on the counter, took out the CD (Melissa Etheridge if you were wondering) and put in a piece of whole grain toast.
Brilliant, Amy.
As I started preparing toast for Cooper this morning, I did what any normal person would do . . . opened the CD player on the counter, took out the CD (Melissa Etheridge if you were wondering) and put in a piece of whole grain toast.
Brilliant, Amy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Snow Much Fun
I know I promised snow pictures last week, but my procrastination knows no boundaries regardless of how adorable Cooper is and how much I can't wait to share our photos. I have never claimed to be an overachiever, and I don't intend to start that anytime soon or you all will have "expectations" of me and that's just not good.
So, here they are. They are mostly from here around our house but also a few of Cooper this past weekend on skis for the first time. It went well, until it didn't. We were all good for about 10 minutes or so and even got a video of Cooper going down a very small incline all by himself. And while I would love to share that with you, that is a technological level that I am just not up to yet and attempting might result in me overexerting myself and I try never to do that. It is 20 seconds of pure delight, I assure you. And after that, there was much crying and wailing and snot, all indicators that Cooper is done with skiing for this winter. But what can you expect from a not quite 3 year old.
You would probably prefer that I shut up and get on with the pics. Alrighty then:
So, here they are. They are mostly from here around our house but also a few of Cooper this past weekend on skis for the first time. It went well, until it didn't. We were all good for about 10 minutes or so and even got a video of Cooper going down a very small incline all by himself. And while I would love to share that with you, that is a technological level that I am just not up to yet and attempting might result in me overexerting myself and I try never to do that. It is 20 seconds of pure delight, I assure you. And after that, there was much crying and wailing and snot, all indicators that Cooper is done with skiing for this winter. But what can you expect from a not quite 3 year old.
You would probably prefer that I shut up and get on with the pics. Alrighty then:
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